While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Loading more great texts...