youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
