I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
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