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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I puked a lego.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
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