Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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