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You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she told me i tasted like america
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i dont even know how to be here
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He felt like a one man threesome
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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