a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You're like the curious george of whores
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.