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I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
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