Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
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