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I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
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