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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You pole danced in your parka.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
are you still at the devil's house?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She is in my trunk
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
false alarm. still invincible.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im just a social blackout drinker.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
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