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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he thought i was a dude.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If that was your dad, he is hot
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
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