upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You did what with his pubic hair?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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