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what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Can Purell be used as lube?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
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