mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
People in love make me want to vomit
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Loading more great texts...