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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I am midnight drunk by noon
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually try
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