please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
