Texts From Last Night · DivineMuffinMan's Favorites

DivineMuffinMan's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

Fav 14 7669 1442
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

Fav 31 8195 1691
share tweet

(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

Fav 10 6613 1693
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12624 1608
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Fav 20 8424 2008
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

Fav 22 8727 1574
share tweet

(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

Fav 15 6732 1574
share tweet

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

Fav 49 1624 7715
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

Fav 26 6835 1318
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21284 2339
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2757 8391
share tweet

(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

Fav 10 4862 1296
share tweet

(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 15997 4461
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1788 5793
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

Fav 9 4698 1959
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

Fav 5 5020 1196
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8149 1570
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'

Fav 8 4353 1216
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2590 7274
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

Fav 21 7135 1284
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3709 1802
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

Fav 11 6077 1438
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

Fav 11 6129 1274
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41537 2318
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

Fav 43 2762 7901
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

Fav 41 11898 1823
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

Fav 9 5105 1630
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

Fav 38 10894 2510
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

Fav 15 2082 6414
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

Fav 12 5096 1457
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

Fav 17 7573 1624
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

Fav 4 5251 1433
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

Fav 17 10937 2023
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

Fav 18 5099 2462
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

Fav 11 4876 2133
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

Fav 35 9928 1584
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

Fav 12 1713 4211
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

Fav 21 4174 1948
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

Fav 36 2919 5948
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39175 2205
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

Fav 34 7231 1796
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

Fav 16 5713 1349
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

Fav 16 10253 1483
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

Fav 13 7338 1341
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

Fav 41 18787 1656
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13386 2000
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

Fav 19 7096 1429
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7058 1931
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9503 1586
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

Fav 9 6644 2029
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

Fav 48 23047 1760
share tweet
(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

Fav 12 4381 1596
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

Fav 29 2438 6607
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

Fav 13 5642 1682
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

Fav 38 5954 4192
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Fav 26 18265 1727
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

Fav 14 8822 1288
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

Fav 58 2037 15082
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call

Fav 66 1667 5496
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

Fav 10 7074 1438
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.

Fav 14 4140 1638
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13868 1833
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

Fav 17 2021 5953
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

Fav 10 6649 1258
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

Fav 7 5400 1365
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

Fav 6 1445 3990
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8029 1479
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

Fav 30 14162 1642
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9169 1745
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

Fav 13 7687 1428
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9052 1551
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

Fav 12 5028 1138
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

Fav 5 6291 1509
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

Fav 14 1400 4912
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

Fav 99 4156 9519
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

Fav 10 4256 1688
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

Fav 21 4816 1519
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

Fav 7 8070 1242
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

Fav 8 6124 1754
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

Fav 20 5593 1500
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2173 10523
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

Fav 16 1819 7188
share tweet
(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

Fav 21 4706 1442
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17060 1823
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

Fav 11 7210 1553
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26567 1752
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

Fav 21 10814 1609
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13093 1900
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

Fav 16 5726 1570
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

Fav 21 5001 1493
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

Fav 21 8689 1621
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15468 2352
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10258 1557
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35141 2041
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

Fav 20 6460 1217
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

Fav 9 7133 1410
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

Fav 9 5701 1168
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

Fav 29 6845 1474
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

Fav 11 2279 3422
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

Fav 5 6055 1287
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

Fav 23 11824 1614
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

Fav 13 4870 1731
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17194 1859
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8620 2799
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

Fav 13 6222 1206
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

Fav 19 8989 1671
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

Fav 27 6793 1683
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

Fav 22 7130 1725
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3341 12986
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

Fav 65 14352 3180
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

Fav 14 4913 1523
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12082 1495
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7262 2888
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

Fav 22 6042 1268
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

Fav 16 6672 1404
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

Fav 38 9201 2248
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

Fav 25 8202 1423
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

Fav 12 5142 1300
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

Fav 19 8263 1361
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

Fav 22 6067 2572
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6791 1880
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

Fav 26 7158 1583
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

Fav 34 6455 1418
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

Fav 28 6088 1442
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

Fav 13 1324 6216
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

Fav 32 6961 1278
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Fav 30 10788 2107
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

Fav 12 6013 1453
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

Fav 23 10761 1452
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10929 1539
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

Fav 28 7726 1187
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

Fav 14 6505 1383
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

Fav 29 4724 3806
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

Fav 39 12014 1926
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...

Fav 11 1446 4117
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

Fav 9 7897 1347
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

Fav 12 7920 2312
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

Fav 42 10772 1668
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

Fav 31 8368 1977
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.

Fav 19 6285 1269
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13314 1646
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

Fav 9 4569 1454
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

Fav 19 9388 1480
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

Fav 16 4189 1441
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5052 7897
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

Fav 37 6802 1773
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

Fav 37 4545 1412
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9419 1448
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name

Fav 4 3517 1208
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7523 1404
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

Fav 49 5589 2251
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7457 1916
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1837 5897
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16493 1698
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

Fav 36 7561 1682
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

Fav 41 7718 1929
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

Fav 34 7306 1613
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...

Fav 12 3194 4773
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

Fav 35 8980 1954
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

Fav 11 8394 1964
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10762 1418
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

Fav 13 4646 1552
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

Fav 24 1651 8052
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

Fav 22 9835 1429
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

Fav 21 5399 1981
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10024 1748
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

Fav 11 1864 3840
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

Fav 19 5447 1474
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.

Fav 13 1134 4354
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

Fav 28 1954 4641
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9396 1594
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6737 1622
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

Fav 36 9736 1523
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

Fav 10 5843 1429
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

Fav 25 10563 1351
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

Fav 19 1451 7877
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

Fav 49 1159 12464
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

Fav 9 1303 3266
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11556 1750
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

Fav 30 6590 1439
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

Fav 26 6581 1474
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21279 1634
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.

Fav 8 4188 1346
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

Fav 13 6876 1588
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8885 1664
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

Fav 20 5323 1345
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1730 9094
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

Fav 7 6308 1079
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

Fav 22 5745 1239
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

Fav 48 2480 9148
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

Fav 67 8964 2442
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

Fav 35 7059 1662
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

Fav 15 6661 1150
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

Fav 15 5698 1212
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21282 2205
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9242 1356
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13008 1896
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

Fav 16 1580 5572
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

Fav 11 1286 4788
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

Fav 13 8029 1401
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

Fav 18 7627 1636
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

Fav 13 8443 1597
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 15975 1819
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

Fav 27 7079 1453
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

Fav 17 8552 1533
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

Fav 21 8669 1222
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

Fav 13 6312 1461
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11122 2049
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

Fav 16 1536 4906
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

Fav 17 9331 1218
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

Fav 23 7698 1337
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2803 8419
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

Fav 24 2207 7163
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

Fav 10 6808 1206
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

Fav 40 6104 1247
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time

Fav 17 2410 3319
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

Fav 9 5100 1312
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11823 1590
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

Fav 25 6639 1366
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

Fav 9 5487 1525
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12002 1274
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

Fav 14 5863 1552
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8372 1218
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12028 1479
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

Fav 14 9331 1669
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

Fav 18 7044 1145
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

Fav 20 8258 1574
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

Fav 18 7832 1710
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.

Fav 7 3846 1431
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

Fav 11 5823 1446
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Fav 30 16410 2131
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

Fav 13 5566 1704
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

Fav 33 5841 1552
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

Fav 60 2662 5449
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17368 3198
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

Fav 19 5989 1583
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

Fav 14 6051 1109
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7651 1535
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

Fav 15 2647 5084
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

Fav 21 1597 5942
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

Fav 22 6836 1615
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

Fav 29 7509 1264
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18777 1901
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

Fav 20 11983 1784
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

Fav 18 1348 8102
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

Fav 32 8639 1421
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

Fav 24 7677 1317
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

Fav 33 8493 1788
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

Fav 12 2707 3763
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16028 1740
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

Fav 6 1250 4453
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

Fav 30 10280 1463
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9496 2384
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

Fav 38 12597 1469
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20057 2051
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Fav 19 10410 1408
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

Fav 36 1937 8854
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

Fav 134 1443 8857
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3320 7317
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

Fav 18 6348 1471
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

Fav 22 7688 1457
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

Fav 29 10738 1464
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

Fav 22 8315 1513
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

Fav 32 8359 1372
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2719 6957
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

Fav 26 1927 6689
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

Fav 11 5695 2649
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

Fav 17 6082 1631
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

Fav 17 11338 1545
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

Fav 19 6230 3060
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28637 1975
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.

Fav 11 3810 1418
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

Fav 7 6373 1181
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11962 1498
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

Fav 14 5309 3020
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1672 14405
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9326 1346
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

Fav 18 7989 1529
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

Fav 14 10218 1424
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13023 1819
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

Fav 7 4674 1338
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2712 10591
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

Fav 37 8623 1394
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29283 2485
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

Fav 16 5271 1849
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22427 1737
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

Fav 7 5798 1274
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15013 1670
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

Fav 19 7850 1795
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

Fav 21 5402 2837
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

Fav 6 8378 1355
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

Fav 18 8718 1394
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

Fav 23 10238 2725
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

Fav 39 9643 1642
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Fav 17 17613 1564
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25010 2246
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19197 1726
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17250 2672
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

Fav 31 14190 1536
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

Fav 16 2197 6174
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

Fav 9 6681 1355
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

Fav 22 10328 1693
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

Fav 34 6787 2204
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

Fav 41 1221 9629
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10768 1605
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10081 2193
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26685 2037
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

Fav 32 6659 1992
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

Fav 21 6661 1817
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

Fav 12 7357 1457
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

Fav 15 2377 6937
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Fav 8 5836 2294
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57124 7306
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

Fav 15 8547 1441
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

Fav 43 5634 1712
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21204 1547
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 27984 1873
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

Fav 15 10899 1442
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

Fav 6 1952 4082
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

Fav 13 1692 6989
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10143 1401
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

Fav 19 10864 2171
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

Fav 11 6218 1301
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

Fav 38 19982 1970
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15076 2072
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

Fav 44 3409 8318
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

Fav 15 2083 4067
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28836 3763
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

Fav 31 8364 1601
share tweet
(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

Fav 28 8023 2034
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

Fav 21 5067 1449
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

Fav 12 6673 1223
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before

Fav 26 6173 1294
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89505 8228
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88567 9625
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92623 4854
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 130910 3863
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115602 11128
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120035 4315
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106336 10518
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131777 5143
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 136931 6848
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178272 8110
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10903 1632
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

Fav 13 6562 1326
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

Fav 17 2522 5408
share tweet
(650): View more from California

you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"

Fav 4 2992 1286
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

Fav 10 7568 1287
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

Fav 32 1098 9377
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9927 1890
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

Fav 31 1576 5067
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8463 1572
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8169 1460
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

Fav 4 6901 1210
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

Fav 16 7681 1331
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2276 5973
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

Fav 13 5565 1162
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

Fav 12 7394 1711
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

Fav 23 6241 1299
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

Fav 15 8069 1600
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

Fav 6 2167 3522
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7915 1351
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

Fav 40 5762 1867
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

Fav 34 6107 1520
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

Fav 8 7207 1145
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1742 7778
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15823 1913
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

Fav 31 1974 6173
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..

Fav 23 1937 5040
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21135 1911
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

Fav 6 5121 1502
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

Fav 16 11333 1466
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

Fav 11 1510 5553
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

Fav 17 5270 1294
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8902 1549
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

Fav 67 2550 6501
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

Fav 7 7415 1265
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

Fav 23 6490 1512
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

Fav 7 3785 1235
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

Fav 7 5144 1215
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Fav 49 11771 3045
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7673 1512
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

Fav 31 7097 1587
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.

Fav 18 4794 1539
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

Fav 23 7681 1516
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

Fav 14 6183 1589
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

Fav 26 15487 1456
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

Fav 26 8343 1613
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

Fav 24 6340 1380
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2382 14593
share tweet
(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

Fav 16 9569 1519
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

Fav 13 9076 1328
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16843 1731
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12879 1877
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

Fav 22 9598 1580
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

Fav 23 2488 7185
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

Fav 17 7639 1388
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

Fav 13 8076 1281
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9332 3713
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4319 6046
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

Fav 43 1808 14801
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

Fav 35 7939 1692
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

Fav 22 1423 6080
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

Fav 15 5969 1823
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

Fav 20 1730 5964
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

Fav 9 6263 1229
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29284 1865
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

Fav 20 8281 1531
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

Fav 26 7987 2384
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

Fav 12 6858 1227
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

Fav 15 8235 1403
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3744 7136
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

Fav 23 5653 1392
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

Fav 32 10337 1510
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

Fav 16 7491 1580
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

Fav 16 1279 8377
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

Fav 17 7423 1412
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53104 2378
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

Fav 37 6821 2209
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

Fav 22 1407 7656
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

Fav 17 8499 1637
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

Fav 46 14805 2472
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

Fav 15 8997 1545
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

Fav 8 8556 1305
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8182 1388
share tweet
(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

Fav 42 8304 2204
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

Fav 15 4363 5271
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

Fav 22 6499 1448
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

Fav 43 2007 5905
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

Fav 19 6440 1509
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716): View more from New York

gotta love spring break

(845): View more from New York

gotta love slutty girls from the south

Fav 24 5311 1332
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

Fav 42 10586 1276
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

Fav 36 6615 1539
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

Fav 13 4781 1456
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

Fav 37 7312 1458
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

Fav 54 11643 1711
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

Fav 19 7249 1766
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7821 1457
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

Fav 17 5966 1245
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

Fav 12 6746 1339
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

Fav 47 13382 1283
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

Fav 27 8112 1269
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

Fav 15 6901 1507
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

Fav 13 5120 1194
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28166 5105
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

Fav 27 8273 1777
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.

Fav 13 1177 4493
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

Fav 11 3608 1646
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

Fav 7 5563 1216
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

Fav 11 4958 1053
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

Fav 41 1524 3254
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

Fav 5 2838 1492
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Fav 14 6440 1366
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Fav 14 2781 4153
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

Fav 5 5321 1081
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

Fav 8 3291 1496
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

Fav 19 3671 1274
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6894 1466
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

Fav 9 4258 1067
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

Fav 58 17339 2452
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39845 2437
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

Fav 14 8140 1259
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

Fav 10 6563 1159
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

Fav 32 10396 2093
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

Fav 24 6451 1134
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

Fav 7 6474 1391
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

Fav 25 24585 1583
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

Fav 12 7736 1182
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

Fav 14 5734 1717
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

Fav 39 1814 6908
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17627 1738
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

Fav 20 9278 1509
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14002 1746
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

Fav 25 6293 1440
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

Fav 17 9887 1873
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 74886 2974
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

Fav 31 8876 3404
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.

Fav 10 4893 1253
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

Fav 19 10008 1243
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

Fav 34 7080 1636
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

Fav 33 7760 1323
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

Fav 18 7896 1297
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

Fav 14 5558 1365
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

Fav 17 7008 2317
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

Fav 12 5856 1480
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6228 1618
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

Fav 34 11157 1662
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

Fav 13 1232 4414
share tweet
(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

Fav 22 9169 1711
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

Fav 10 2209 4299
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

Fav 8 6035 1510
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

Fav 13 9697 1435
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

Fav 26 4449 1347
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

Fav 5 5210 1636
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

Fav 27 2309 3763
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

Fav 110 9819 2571
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

Fav 15 6444 1104
share tweet
(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

Fav 22 9413 1742
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

Fav 15 2004 4397
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

Fav 162 2736 36851
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

Fav 44 6742 1366
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

Fav 21 7249 1365
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

Fav 37 9547 2015
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

Fav 36 10163 1164
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.

Fav 6 4340 977
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.

Fav 10 5510 1073
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

Fav 48 29751 1495
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

Fav 37 11343 1363
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

Fav 22 7103 1683
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

Fav 85 3258 9600
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

Fav 18 7102 1159
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

Fav 20 7051 1194
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Fav 32 7419 1162
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Fav 23 3552 4316
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

Fav 10 2260 4312
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14474 5754
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

Fav 18 7531 2281
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8245 1197
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Fav 23 7470 1278
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

Fav 19 4737 1289
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68535 3882
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere

(1-917): View more from New York City

no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john

Fav 24 6013 1078
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7349 1399
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3000 15606
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

Fav 9 8935 1225
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.

Fav 20 7318 1377
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

Fav 47 10621 1484
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

Fav 20 5437 1228
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

Fav 14 1549 8077
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

Fav 15 7743 1298
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

Fav 9 4791 1116
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

Fav 72 21686 4239
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21382 2734
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

Fav 16 7717 1236
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

Fav 14 1612 4658
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

Fav 14 7429 1020
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

Fav 33 1632 12861
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

Fav 38 18076 2476
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

Fav 13 7860 1791
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

Fav 14 14629 1421
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

Fav 13 1411 7038
share tweet
(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

Fav 22 7272 1747
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19276 1834
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.

Fav 30 5338 1156
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

Fav 44 19632 2116
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating

Fav 8 6097 1777
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women

Fav 11 5346 3346
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22496 2979
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

Fav 14 6996 2135
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

Fav 811 13351 6592
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

Fav 28 9435 1763
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

Fav 17 6234 2741
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

Fav 33 10882 1358
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

Fav 15 6924 1460
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

Fav 13 6025 1047
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

Fav 60 7721 1601
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16471 1547
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19019 1427
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

Fav 22 8279 1146
share tweet
(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

Fav 25 5653 1577
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

Fav 18 8568 1675
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

Fav 31 16140 1309
share tweet
(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

Fav 36 2198 7506
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

Fav 34 1571 10012
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

Fav 31 7933 1065
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

Fav 21 4767 1346
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42040 3323
share tweet
(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

Fav 54 8643 1603
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

Fav 36 8267 1130
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

Fav 55 7714 1414
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11876 1548
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..

Fav 24 1752 6983
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

Fav 26 8616 1342
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

Fav 26 4826 1035
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor

Fav 18 4842 1173
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

Fav 90 8418 1650
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

Fav 31 1774 5708
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

Fav 92 2492 8431
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

Fav 62 7800 1216
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

Fav 17 6759 1317
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

Fav 23 1211 4359
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

Fav 72 12953 1449
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

Fav 16 5153 1258
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

Fav 47 1399 6945
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

Fav 26 7220 1061
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

Fav 31 2527 6477
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

Fav 35 6053 1878
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Fav 29 8724 1189
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420

Fav 27 7002 938
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

Fav 26 4452 1566
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.

Fav 20 4470 1051
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

Fav 37 7003 918
share tweet
(+81): View more from

I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

(+61): View more from Australia

You're never coming back, are you?

Fav 63 7017 1159
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

Fav 95 22003 1887
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

Fav 43 7371 1437
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

Fav 33 13130 1151
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

Fav 22 4911 1095
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

Fav 21 6850 1258
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

Fav 36 7462 1735
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

Fav 63 15711 1359
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

Fav 182 22229 1456
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

Fav 58 8549 2263
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

So gin and wine won't be happening again

Fav 16 1135 3665
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11141 2907
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

Fav 20 6095 1178
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on

(1-310): View more from California

I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his

Fav 30 5804 1185
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

Fav 31 10356 1309
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

Fav 35 8878 1132
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

Fav 20 1525 6162
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

Fav 39 7652 1221
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21479 1597
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

Fav 23 5028 1025
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard

Fav 16 5401 801
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

Fav 19 7306 1092
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

Fav 27 10258 1108
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

Fav 31 8366 1673
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7468 1277
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.

(1-661): View more from California

Lol thats a classic

Fav 31 5390 1165
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

Fav 33 4641 1611
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

Fav 27 6549 1246
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it

Fav 28 6431 972
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

Fav 55 6481 1287
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

Fav 20 9737 1089
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her

Fav 6 3852 1966
share tweet
(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

Fav 16 1392 4498
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

Fav 20 11603 1805
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

Fav 44 6407 1747
share tweet
(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

Fav 22 6364 981
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

Fav 33 1586 5550
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

Fav 27 1070 7608
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

Fav 101 10959 1738
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

Fav 20 2076 7599
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

Fav 29 9287 1222
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

Fav 37 8442 1194
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

Fav 36 5387 1406
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

Fav 39 10662 1992
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

Fav 13 4925 1264
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

Fav 43 8063 1912
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

Fav 18 5234 891
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

Fav 37 6924 922
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

Fav 48 9334 1287
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

Fav 23 12153 1422
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

Fav 36 7213 1408
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

Fav 46 2059 5523
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

Fav 15 9897 1356
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

Fav 20 2350 3790
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

Fav 28 9080 1122
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.

Fav 10 5204 1030
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

Fav 16 6325 1109
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12672 1523
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

Fav 23 8072 1210
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

Fav 21 9823 1737
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

Fav 38 1723 17824
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

Fav 47 11098 1127
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

Fav 19 4027 1546
share tweet
(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

Fav 19 6765 1036
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

Fav 26 11680 1177
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

Fav 23 11031 1156
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20779 1550
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

Fav 155 16289 2349
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

Fav 24 7950 1218
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

Fav 35 7619 979
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

Fav 36 8177 1221
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

Fav 26 7793 1432
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

Fav 46 6335 1200
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76213 3381
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

Fav 23 8507 1255
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Fav 42 18291 1438
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22424 3672
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

Fav 31 13743 1363
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

Fav 56 8858 1339
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

Fav 20 6451 1275
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 41965 1690
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

Fav 46 9138 1543
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

Fav 16 1204 6066
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

Fav 34 7574 1635
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19093 1544
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

Fav 49 9348 1381
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 6997 2468
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Fav 28 7131 1227
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

Fav 86 15081 2887
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

Fav 43 2105 6012
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

Fav 21 6458 1642
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27443 1847
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

Fav 28 6600 2338
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

Fav 6 3909 1393
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

Fav 53 10184 1453
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time

Fav 19 5196 1309
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

Fav 31 5183 1112
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

Fav 10 3942 1469
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

Fav 28