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I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she told me i tasted like america
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
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