Tell her she can't have a vagina
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
