Texts From Last Night · TooSlowJo's Favorites

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TooSlowJo's Favorites Texts:

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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(408): View more from California

I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.

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(360): View more from Washington

Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(334): View more from Alabama

Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(607): View more from New York

I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(562): View more from California

Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(707): View more from California

I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(630): View more from Illinois

She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

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(615): View more from Tennessee

good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment

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(917): View more from New York City

Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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(727): View more from Florida

A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(512): View more from Texas

it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(419): View more from Ohio

He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

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(626): View more from California

Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(805): View more from California

My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(707): View more from California

i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting

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(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

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(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(314): View more from Missouri

You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time

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(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

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(562): View more from California

he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him

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(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.

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(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(573): View more from Missouri

officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(503): View more from Oregon

There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(714): View more from California

So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(707): View more from California

I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

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(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(417): View more from Missouri

That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

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(248): View more from Michigan

first off, his name is dougie. strike one.

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(330): View more from Ohio

im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(607): View more from New York

you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(831): View more from California

i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(650): View more from California

You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How did your new apartment party go last night?

(219): View more from Indiana

I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"

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(417): View more from Missouri

Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

(573): View more from Missouri

Jealous.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(360): View more from Washington

My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(214): View more from Texas

How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(206): View more from Washington

I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(205): View more from Alabama

they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

(205): View more from Alabama

pick me up NOW

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(518): View more from New York

im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(770): View more from Georgia

A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here

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(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(914): View more from New York

Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

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(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(360): View more from Washington

Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(360): View more from Washington

two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?

(206): View more from Washington

only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

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(360): View more from Washington

we are all sexual creatures

(951): View more from California

yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.

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(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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(206): View more from Washington

She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant

(360): View more from Washington

At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats

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(503): View more from Oregon

Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.

(360): View more from Washington

im coming over.

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(360): View more from Washington

would you consider him our boss?

(503): View more from Oregon

technically yes

(360): View more from Washington

then technically i slept with our boss

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(360): View more from Washington

I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!

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(360): View more from Washington

The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(360): View more from Washington

kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.

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(360): View more from Washington

whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(360): View more from Washington

on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?

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(360): View more from Washington

my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(541): View more from Oregon

There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?

(253): View more from Washington

Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

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(253): View more from Washington

I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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(253): View more from Washington

she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(253): View more from Washington

My mind says no, but my body says yes.

(703): View more from Virginia

What does your body say about chlamydia?

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin

(253): View more from Washington

was*

(509): View more from Washington

True, R.I.P.

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(253): View more from Washington

I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.

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(253): View more from Washington

I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

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(253): View more from Washington

when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot

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(253): View more from Washington

You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(406): View more from Montana

So, how was the dinner

(1-406): View more from Montana

Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(406): View more from Montana

The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.

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(406): View more from Montana

Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

(320): View more from Minnesota

He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

(406): View more from Montana

Ok, i'm coming over

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(406): View more from Montana

We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.

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(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a leather bustier to keep them in.

(925): View more from California

Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(214): View more from Texas

She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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