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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
no you cant smoke seaweed
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
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