No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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