Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My penis needs a shock collar
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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