I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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