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What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she peed on how many people?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she told me i tasted like america
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i dont even know how to be here
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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