Texts From Last Night · justariel's Favorites

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justariel's Favorites Texts:

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day

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(402): View more from Nebraska

but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.

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(469): View more from Texas

I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry

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(214): View more from Texas

You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?

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(925): View more from California

Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?

(1-925): View more from California

Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?

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(214): View more from Texas

Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.

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(559): View more from California

I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(760): View more from California

He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....

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(250): View more from British Columbia

anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(850): View more from Florida

She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

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(+49): View more from Germany

Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun

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(319): View more from Iowa

You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(516): View more from New York

The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(810): View more from Michigan

Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!

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(905): View more from Ontario

And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

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(206): View more from Washington

Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

(901): View more from Tennessee

fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

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(505): View more from New Mexico

No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(224): View more from Illinois

Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(512): View more from Texas

boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

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(325): View more from Texas

she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.

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(253): View more from Washington

I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.

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(217): View more from Illinois

We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(850): View more from Florida

your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(360): View more from Washington

Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(914): View more from New York

I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(310): View more from California

I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(524): View more from

How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773): View more from Illinois

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

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(760): View more from California

Houston, we have a blender

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(214): View more from Texas

The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(214): View more from Texas

Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(517): View more from Michigan

After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(512): View more from Texas

She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(315): View more from New York

We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.

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(519): View more from Ontario

This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(619): View more from California

The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(407): View more from Florida

50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th

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(310): View more from California

I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

(415): View more from California

Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(316): View more from Kansas

He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book

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(316): View more from Kansas

sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)

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(727): View more from Florida

you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

soo how bad was i last night?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(760): View more from California

The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(443): View more from Maryland

When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(845): View more from New York

I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(517): View more from Michigan

someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(515): View more from Iowa

trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(818): View more from California

I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(443): View more from Maryland

theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

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(818): View more from California

The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(956): View more from Texas

while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"

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(619): View more from California

Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(813): View more from Florida

So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(315): View more from New York

I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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(815): View more from Illinois

i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.

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(432): View more from Texas

Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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(619): View more from California

Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.

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(425): View more from Washington

Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming

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(571): View more from Virginia

she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night

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(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work

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(213): View more from California

just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(954): View more from Florida

My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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(301): View more from Maryland

He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(518): View more from New York

when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'

(1-518): View more from New York

i pity the fetus.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Def the best call fo sho

(361): View more from Texas

That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(914): View more from New York

Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(240): View more from Maryland

I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(203): View more from Connecticut

our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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(850): View more from Florida

OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(801): View more from Utah

two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(641): View more from Iowa

just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(434): View more from Virginia

At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(952): View more from Minnesota

my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.

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(409): View more from Texas

There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(619): View more from California

I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

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(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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