Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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