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I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's never too late to be topless.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you inspire me to be a worse person
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My liver just broke up with me...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Don't make out with my wife yet
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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