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Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
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