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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How's work?
Spinning.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
this will be a night to untag.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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