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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
love makes seman taste better
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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