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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
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