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I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
NoShamevember. You game?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
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