I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
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