Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just found a bag of teeth...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
then he tried to convert me to islam
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
this will be a night to untag.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i came on her dog
she pinky promised me she was 18
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we're making bets on your personal life
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She's allergic to latex.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.