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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it glows. i had to have it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
what part of “beer fountain†do you not understand
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i dont even know how to be here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He felt like a one man threesome
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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