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we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
no. you can't hotbox the world.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Screwed.edu
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Will you blow on my dice?
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Quick, to the slutcave!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
if only i could text you this smell
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
normal
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