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This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's never too late to be topless.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
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