Texts From Last Night

Jeimuzu22's Favorites Texts:

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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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  (706): I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today. http://tfl.nu/vvd3
  Replies (9) Good night (1295) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here

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  (210): It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here http://tfl.nu/0r3z
  Replies (4) Good night (446) Bad night (129) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

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  (719): Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing? http://tfl.nu/0la5
  Replies (1) Good night (488) Bad night (108) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

  (210): View more from Texas

  No

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  (512): Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool (210): No http://tfl.nu/m5ry
  Replies (3) Good night (772) Bad night (100)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter

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  (432): Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter http://tfl.nu/o41k
  Replies (9) Good night (886) Bad night (88) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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  (617): I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me. http://tfl.nu/t0zt
  Replies (4) Good night (870) Bad night (116) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"

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  (262): Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10" http://tfl.nu/3dr6
  Replies (1) Good night (406) Bad night (140) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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  (724): You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails. http://tfl.nu/klfg
  Replies (13) Good night (738) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up

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  (+44): Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up http://tfl.nu/86tf
  Replies (2) Good night (409) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

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  (617): College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking http://tfl.nu/tpd8
  Replies (9) Good night (1395) Bad night (239) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."

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  (770): You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt." http://tfl.nu/x17b
  Replies (8) Good night (1013) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

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  (763): My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home... http://tfl.nu/n3b5
  Replies (3) Good night (1143) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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  (314): Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress. http://tfl.nu/ibp9
  Replies (16) Good night (2413) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?

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  (412): I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood? http://tfl.nu/mv3m
  Replies (12) Good night (626) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka

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  (404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka http://tfl.nu/m383
  Replies (5) Good night (631) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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  (+61): It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys. http://tfl.nu/j3cl
  Replies (4) Good night (300) Bad night (1405) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (2938) Bad night (176)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

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  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
  Replies (18) Good night (4261) Bad night (169)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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  (443): Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good. (410): The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky. http://tfl.nu/y3f5
  Replies (10) Good night (550) Bad night (1541)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  just fucking run.

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  (304): i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape? (301): just fucking run. http://tfl.nu/0wzu
  Replies (5) Good night (2276) Bad night (194)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

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  (763): Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye http://tfl.nu/6gyi
  Replies (8) Good night (418) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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  (914): Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon. http://tfl.nu/php8
  Replies (7) Good night (1416) Bad night (133) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

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  (651): Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker. http://tfl.nu/umuy
  Replies (13) Good night (890) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

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  (925): Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/tojt
  Replies (6) Good night (965) Bad night (137) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.

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  (856): Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass. http://tfl.nu/qahd
  Replies (4) Good night (1179) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka

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  (701): I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka http://tfl.nu/1kth
  Replies (4) Good night (632) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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  (831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa
  Replies (14) Good night (2200) Bad night (184)
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  (718): View more from New York

  Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.

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  (718): Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it. http://tfl.nu/l6st
  Replies (5) Good night (586) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
  Replies (28) Good night (20814) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
  Replies (74) Good night (23236) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25283) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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  (778): DOWN HORMONES. BACK. http://tfl.nu/nnqc
  Replies (4) Good night (1081) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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  (256): OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE http://tfl.nu/qfju
  Replies (5) Good night (1827) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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  (304): My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger. http://tfl.nu/dtz4
  Replies (5) Good night (1609) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

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  (908): She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird http://tfl.nu/j88i
  Replies (3) Good night (1463) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude

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  (318): You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude http://tfl.nu/d0gl
  Replies (10) Good night (1451) Bad night (282) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

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  (828): NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE http://tfl.nu/lvmw
  Replies (6) Good night (307) Bad night (1288) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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  (919): I have a cut on my head from a tambourine. http://tfl.nu/wa5x
  Replies (3) Good night (1165) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.

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  (770): Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire. http://tfl.nu/2u40
  Replies (4) Good night (891) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

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  (651): It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face. http://tfl.nu/y5ia
  Replies (11) Good night (1266) Bad night (582)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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  (571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back. http://tfl.nu/nr6f
  Replies (3) Good night (2723) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  Yes and yes

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  (920): Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend? (1-920): Yes and yes http://tfl.nu/cdzo
  Replies (4) Good night (1780) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.

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  (614): I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia. http://tfl.nu/a7rk
  Replies (5) Good night (298) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.

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  (909): It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer. http://tfl.nu/6a0i
  Replies (5) Good night (272) Bad night (1571) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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  (304): ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP http://tfl.nu/bbs8
  Replies (6) Good night (1788) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

  (514): View more from Quebec

  what does alcohol mean

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  (514): the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon (514): what does alcohol mean http://tfl.nu/hh45
  Replies (2) Good night (1047) Bad night (368)
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  (831): View more from California

  I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

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  (831): I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all http://tfl.nu/rp5b
  Replies (4) Good night (1120) Bad night (212)
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  (714): View more from California

  I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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  (714): I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters. http://tfl.nu/itk8
  Replies (5) Good night (2448) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.

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  (512): Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person. http://tfl.nu/kj3e
  Replies (5) Good night (2154) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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  (704): What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present? http://tfl.nu/yubn
  Replies (25) Good night (3899) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

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  (502): Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans http://tfl.nu/uc1m
  Replies (12) Good night (6106) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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  (585): she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year? http://tfl.nu/9o4d
  Replies (58) Good night (9499) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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  (248): Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it. http://tfl.nu/bw3w
  Replies (9) Good night (3272) Bad night (986) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (285) Good night (60320) Bad night (3668)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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  (416): Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card... http://tfl.nu/vpen
  Replies (9) Good night (3974) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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  (415): Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in http://tfl.nu/whuh
  Replies (14) Good night (4228) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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  (407): Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008. http://tfl.nu/vkb0
  Replies (9) Good night (4414) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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  (905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings http://tfl.nu/jatg
  Replies (26) Good night (4542) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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  (917): giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong? http://tfl.nu/9q3v
  Replies (169) Good night (4614) Bad night (16413) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
  Replies (13) Good night (5073) Bad night (712)
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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  (956): Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs. http://tfl.nu/dv3c
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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  (434): The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever http://tfl.nu/goyi
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This explains a lot.

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  (609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.

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  (908): she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up. http://tfl.nu/hjpb
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Colt 45 out of anything is classy.

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  (704): I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy. (919): Colt 45 out of anything is classy. http://tfl.nu/9zxf
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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  (304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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  (+44): It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice. http://tfl.nu/unne
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  (+44): View more from England

  Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.

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  (+44): Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food. http://tfl.nu/05sf
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

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  (+44): chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome. http://tfl.nu/vhpn
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  I respect that

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  (508): I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice (1-508): I respect that http://tfl.nu/enis
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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  (571): I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday. http://tfl.nu/tetw
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

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  (269): Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos. http://tfl.nu/5wn3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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  (203): just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex http://tfl.nu/zx0t
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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  (704): It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States. http://tfl.nu/t1qp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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  (508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

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  (919): CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us http://tfl.nu/dd67
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.

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  (814): Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today. http://tfl.nu/lhgy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.

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  (541): I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore. http://tfl.nu/k0jx
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last

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  (410): i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last http://tfl.nu/j9db
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department

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  (404): Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department http://tfl.nu/p2zv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?

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  (303): I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream? http://tfl.nu/tu1k
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  (650): View more from California

  It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.

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  (650): It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag. http://tfl.nu/hxfk
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  (830): View more from Texas

  No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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  (830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her http://tfl.nu/0ly7
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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  (336): By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student" http://tfl.nu/w2vs
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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  (409): Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo http://tfl.nu/65rk
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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  (443): you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend (703): You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence. http://tfl.nu/no32
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  (631): View more from New York

  Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

  (516): View more from New York

  lol... you weighed it?

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  (631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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  (401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928
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  (315): View more from New York

  My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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  (315): My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning http://tfl.nu/4o81
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  (714): View more from California

  you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.

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  (714): you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before. http://tfl.nu/gj1j
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I should injure you considerably.

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  (847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so. (1-847): I should injure you considerably. http://tfl.nu/3r9j
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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  (404): i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay http://tfl.nu/pvcx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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  (508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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  (916): I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay http://tfl.nu/vfh5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.

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  (303): im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now. http://tfl.nu/s8i3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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  (678): while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/huje
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
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  (310): View more from California

  She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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  (310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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  (920): Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina http://tfl.nu/ae28
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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  (775): she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward http://tfl.nu/zi7g
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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  (305): Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high. http://tfl.nu/4ptt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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  (717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be http://tfl.nu/0ihg
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you should get a family discount.

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  (770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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  (520): In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties. http://tfl.nu/3p0b
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here

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  (303): there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here http://tfl.nu/yv0c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  welcome to the club.

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  (215): the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night. (1-215): welcome to the club. http://tfl.nu/wwaf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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  (306): You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises http://tfl.nu/ccm4
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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  (505): I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am. http://tfl.nu/o50r
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.

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  (519): You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone. http://tfl.nu/p7fo
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?

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  (+61): i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that? http://tfl.nu/m9eq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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  (917): He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman. http://tfl.nu/emjq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be

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  (206): second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be http://tfl.nu/jh2s
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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  (+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

  (1-414): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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  (414): We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply (1-414): I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday http://tfl.nu/j6sm
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

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  (740): Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe? http://tfl.nu/3oc2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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  (203): You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at http://tfl.nu/66cb
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  (206): View more from Washington

  college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars

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  (206): college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars http://tfl.nu/qdtl
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

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  (+64): She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better http://tfl.nu/clth
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.

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  (+64): You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited. http://tfl.nu/941d
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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  (+64): I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked. http://tfl.nu/59qo
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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  (+64): If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine http://tfl.nu/9dun
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...

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  (509): Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place... http://tfl.nu/dgik
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.

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  (618): Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/svji
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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  (+64): Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking. http://tfl.nu/52no
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country

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  (443): i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country http://tfl.nu/m3r6
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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  (+41): I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples http://tfl.nu/80un
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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  (+44): He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon http://tfl.nu/s25m
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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  (+44): At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever. http://tfl.nu/bxy4
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

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  (616): I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US (+44): Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange. http://tfl.nu/699w
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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  (+44): I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God http://tfl.nu/m4vw
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

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  (+61): She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING. http://tfl.nu/6o0j
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

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  (715): You're barking up the wrong lesbian. http://tfl.nu/4ul9
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  (707): View more from California

  He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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  (707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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  (847): i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink http://tfl.nu/i8us
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  (207): View more from Maine

  So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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  (207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town. http://tfl.nu/b29o
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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  (206): he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff. http://tfl.nu/ss2c
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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  (828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance. http://tfl.nu/tng6
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  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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  (724): I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina. http://tfl.nu/8v08
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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  (724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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  (724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose. http://tfl.nu/bo74
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  thats actually pretty good logic

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  (724): I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars" (412): thats actually pretty good logic http://tfl.nu/znkn
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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  (724): I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet. http://tfl.nu/hq1s
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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  (724): Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases http://tfl.nu/ns4i
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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  (724): Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex. http://tfl.nu/opu2
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.

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  (435): I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs. http://tfl.nu/z5mq
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes

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  (215): i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes http://tfl.nu/91ws
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  (+44): View more from England

  I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.

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  (+44): I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment. http://tfl.nu/zeo3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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  (+44): I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back http://tfl.nu/kyt1
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  (+44): View more from England

  He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.

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  (+44): He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober. http://tfl.nu/8esm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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  (253): Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real. http://tfl.nu/8edz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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  (612): i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning. http://tfl.nu/nqu5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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  (+44): what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/x7um
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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  (+44): She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home. http://tfl.nu/8tny
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.

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  (+44): I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this. http://tfl.nu/p3jk
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.

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  (+44): You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery. http://tfl.nu/036p
  Replies (6) Good night (1159) Bad night (1901)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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  (+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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  (+44): I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon. http://tfl.nu/t0p2
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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  (+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  (+44): Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/fnbb
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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  (+44): It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol http://tfl.nu/lr14
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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  (+44): He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week http://tfl.nu/00sr
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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  (+44): The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine http://tfl.nu/6flp
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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  (+44): We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in. http://tfl.nu/xqye
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.

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  (+44): If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong. http://tfl.nu/d9uh
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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  (+44): She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre. http://tfl.nu/gzcq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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  (+44): I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy. http://tfl.nu/np1e
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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  (+61): She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse. http://tfl.nu/zap5
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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  (+61): Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme. http://tfl.nu/6yp3
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

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  (+61): THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/omc3
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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  (+61): woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME http://tfl.nu/6fbk
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  (831): View more from California

  She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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  (831): She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs http://tfl.nu/k6rx
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

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  (612): The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt. http://tfl.nu/1yd4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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  (757): I believe some people would call last night an orgy. http://tfl.nu/5qwc
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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  (608): A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood. http://tfl.nu/4fl8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'

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  (+44): I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.' http://tfl.nu/vhcz
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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  (425): Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/kcmo
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  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

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  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

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  (402): he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off http://tfl.nu/4yxi
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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  (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala. http://tfl.nu/a9hq
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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  (479): Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs. http://tfl.nu/zkx1
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

  (1-320): View more from Minnesota

  that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

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  (320): her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her (1-320): that's how i am about ashleys and britneys http://tfl.nu/ea81
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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  (267): you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk http://tfl.nu/tgll
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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  (780): I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/nb18
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.

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  (203): Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door. http://tfl.nu/li4e
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.

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  (832): I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes. http://tfl.nu/wfe6
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

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  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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  (208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome http://tfl.nu/zb92
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  (650): View more from California

  I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.

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  (650): I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed. http://tfl.nu/f3bu
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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  (813): Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room? http://tfl.nu/bp9i
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!

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  (602): you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies! http://tfl.nu/o9rd
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
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  (954): View more from Florida

  She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

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  (954): She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating. http://tfl.nu/jmu1
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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  (443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.

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  (484): At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town. http://tfl.nu/jjq0
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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  (801): You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience http://tfl.nu/r1dh
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  (+65): View more from

  He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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  (+65): He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay? http://tfl.nu/afe2
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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  (978): They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people. http://tfl.nu/oty8
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  (607): View more from New York

  I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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  (607): I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever. http://tfl.nu/15o8
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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  (336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays. http://tfl.nu/wrv2
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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  (484): we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed. http://tfl.nu/819f
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm watching ellen!

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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  (615): I'm watching ellen! (1-615): just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show http://tfl.nu/chlu
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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  (214): It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils. http://tfl.nu/mamt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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  (+61): I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend http://tfl.nu/q4ch
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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  (902): He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either http://tfl.nu/fc5z
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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  (330): I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned. http://tfl.nu/myfn
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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  (334): thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week http://tfl.nu/vfml
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  (415): View more from California

  so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

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  (415): so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then? http://tfl.nu/dz1l
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

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  (732): Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra? http://tfl.nu/estf
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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  (276): I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences. http://tfl.nu/f9jw
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  (516): View more from New York

  nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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  (516): nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex http://tfl.nu/zwof
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Thanks, mom.

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  (202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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  (814): Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer http://tfl.nu/nk2m
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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  (765): I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me. http://tfl.nu/y0cn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

  (770): View more from Georgia

  The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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  (404): You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together (770): The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy http://tfl.nu/sw3w
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.

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  (513): Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette. http://tfl.nu/g7cy
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  (650): View more from California

  I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.

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  (650): I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina. http://tfl.nu/1mmo
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  (772): View more from Florida

  You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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  (772): You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list. http://tfl.nu/hcyy
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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  (724): we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman http://tfl.nu/wgol
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

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  (250): Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed. http://tfl.nu/6hpj
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  (209): View more from California

  What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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  (209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p
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  (957): View more from

  I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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  (957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia
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