Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
