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Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
this beer tastes like vomit already
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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