Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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