Texts From Last Night · Silent

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Silent_Thunder's Favorites Texts:

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(904): View more from Florida

Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You just get me

(443): View more from Maryland

I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

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(251): View more from Alabama

What happened to no more shots?

(734): View more from Michigan

It went out the window just like my dreams

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.

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(806): View more from Texas

Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

sorry? thank you? I love you?

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(224): View more from Illinois

Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.

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(360): View more from Washington

All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips

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(213): View more from California

I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.

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(727): View more from Florida

I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis

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(301): View more from Maryland

Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.

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(518): View more from New York

What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?

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(207): View more from Maine

Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world

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(636): View more from Missouri

I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.

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(310): View more from California

I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked

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(309): View more from Illinois

Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church

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(419): View more from Ohio

I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Your normalization of crazy is frightening.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon

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(734): View more from Michigan

She's 90% sass and 10% boobs

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature

(804): View more from Virginia

that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw

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(530): View more from California

I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

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(917): View more from New York City

You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks

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(203): View more from Connecticut

don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling

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(224): View more from Illinois

You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.

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(716): View more from New York

Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??

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(602): View more from Arizona

I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you have paint?

(727): View more from Florida

Paint? I wish

(727): View more from Florida

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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(979): View more from Texas

I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?

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(518): View more from New York

But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over

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(585): View more from New York

I need to sanitize my soul.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night

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(407): View more from Florida

How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess

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(630): View more from Illinois

Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever

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(949): View more from California

I have no words

(951): View more from California

Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?

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(210): View more from Texas

We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything

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(520): View more from Arizona

They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.

(520): View more from Arizona

Judging by this purple one they got to second base.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do

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(416): View more from Toronto

Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.

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(805): View more from California

I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.

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(516): View more from New York

fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(217): View more from Illinois

I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.

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(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You can wear anything you want

(704): View more from North Carolina

So... Naked it is then

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough

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(407): View more from Florida

Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.

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(850): View more from Florida

That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....

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(254): View more from Texas

The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?

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(231): View more from Michigan

It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(209): View more from California

I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.

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(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex

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(218): View more from Minnesota

He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.

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(812): View more from Indiana

dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck

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(242): View more from Bahamas-Carib

I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...

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(416): View more from Toronto

what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.

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(516): View more from New York

No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(315): View more from New York

Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.

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(209): View more from California

Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(219): View more from Indiana

the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.

(423): View more from Tennessee

I will have no part of this.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(416): View more from Toronto

feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(512): View more from Texas

I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(407): View more from Florida

What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse

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(310): View more from California

i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy

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(317): View more from Indiana

Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches

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(662): View more from Mississippi

His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....

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(212): View more from New York

When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.

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(727): View more from Florida

I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes

(937): View more from Ohio

Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

someone needs to name a hurricane after you

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse

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(317): View more from Indiana

Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Agreed.

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(818): View more from California

Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.

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(815): View more from Illinois

also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.

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(432): View more from Texas

I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...

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(406): View more from Montana

She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(847): View more from Illinois

So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real

(847): View more from Illinois

Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship

(1-503): View more from Oregon

A tequila worm?

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much

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(907): View more from Alaska

Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly

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(847): View more from Illinois

Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.

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(631): View more from New York

are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?

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(647): View more from Ontario

im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(435): View more from Utah

Sex in the moonbounce later?

(801): View more from Utah

This is why I love you.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.

Fav 3 910 520
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(765): View more from Indiana

Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.

(985): View more from Louisiana

Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.

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(770): View more from Georgia

How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested

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(906): View more from Michigan

My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My penis needs a shock collar

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(256): View more from Alabama

That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend

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(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

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(317): View more from Indiana

Regret, thy taste is box wine.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You made out with two different species that night

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(305): View more from Florida

The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"

(978): View more from Massachusetts

or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"

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(510): View more from California

How do we stop her downward spiral?

(1-510): View more from California

Wine. For us.

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(714): View more from California

Not my type, but the penis looks fun.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am not getting you a goat.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I have poison ivy on my dick

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

WHAT

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(817): View more from Texas

I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?

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(209): View more from California

Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.

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(360): View more from Washington

Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul

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(309): View more from Illinois

It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with

(847): View more from Illinois

Yes. It does.

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.

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(616): View more from Michigan

in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.

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(305): View more from Florida

When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?

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(801): View more from Utah

Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope I went the fuck home like an adult

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day

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(713): View more from Texas

Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?

(1-713): View more from Texas

Yes I do

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?

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(415): View more from California

I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week

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(303): View more from Colorado

I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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(801): View more from Utah

The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.

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(517): View more from Michigan

When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

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(727): View more from Florida

Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(646): View more from New York

I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The paramedics were not my fault this time.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.

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(818): View more from California

Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.

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(425): View more from Washington

She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..

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(863): View more from Florida

I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray

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(937): View more from Ohio

Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.

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(360): View more from Washington

I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(509): View more from Washington

Stalker pic that shit

(1-509): View more from Washington

He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips

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(707): View more from California

People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(425): View more from Washington

I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

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(813): View more from Florida

Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch

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(419): View more from Ohio

So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(619): View more from California

I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(386): View more from Florida

make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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(315): View more from New York

After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

DC is easy, you will figure it out.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.

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(248): View more from Michigan

On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(719): View more from Colorado

Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?

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(425): View more from Washington

Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero

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(301): View more from Maryland

A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

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(775): View more from Nevada

I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower

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(315): View more from New York

On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him

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(310): View more from California

I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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(801): View more from Utah

I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't get it..

(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry. But to the original question please.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

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(954): View more from Florida

I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

(708): View more from Illinois

And it tastes incredible.

(708): View more from Illinois

And I have chest pains.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am

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(313): View more from Michigan

We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.

(313): View more from Michigan

Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Should I go sleeveless of strapless?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.

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(813): View more from Florida

Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You need a sexual gate keeper

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(706): View more from Georgia

Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!

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(770): View more from Georgia

So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

(404): View more from Georgia

So many things can go wrong tonight.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You sprinted into the side of a parked car

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.

(912): View more from Georgia

I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision

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(516): View more from New York

Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(650): View more from California

At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them

(1-616): View more from Michigan

its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.

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(415): View more from California

I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(914): View more from New York

you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(425): View more from Washington

we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

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(214): View more from Texas

I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head

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(850): View more from Florida

You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(360): View more from Washington

Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(914): View more from New York

Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Croutons?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.

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(240): View more from Maryland

No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom

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(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS

(808): View more from Hawaii

That's me emphasizing the ridiculous

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(716): View more from New York

definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.

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(425): View more from Washington

I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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(716): View more from New York

you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(607): View more from New York

You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.

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(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(830): View more from Texas

I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(916): View more from California

No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair

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(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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(785): View more from Kansas

They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(845): View more from New York

You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(239): View more from Florida

And I might get them triple pierced after that

(631): View more from New York

Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(269): View more from Michigan

We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(587): View more from Alberta

So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck

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(519): View more from Ontario

All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

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(319): View more from Iowa

I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.

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(415): View more from California

just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(772): View more from Florida

When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.

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(512): View more from Texas

Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(251): View more from Alabama

when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(905): View more from Ontario

My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

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(315): View more from New York

I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.

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(347): View more from New York

Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.

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(212): View more from New York

Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today

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(703): View more from Virginia

When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(240): View more from Maryland

it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

Probably

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(406): View more from Montana

Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(416): View more from Toronto

They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Slow dancing with the chandelier.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(260): View more from Indiana

Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(859): View more from Kentucky

and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(260): View more from Indiana

DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

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(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(517): View more from Michigan

btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(760): View more from California

just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(260): View more from Indiana

A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(206): View more from Washington

Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(954): View more from Florida

I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

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(443): View more from Maryland

you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

(703): View more from Virginia

You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(330): View more from Ohio

im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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(812): View more from Indiana

It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(510): View more from California

Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

pants will make it better? really?

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(314): View more from Missouri

No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(646): View more from New York

I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(917): View more from New York City

I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules

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(909): View more from California

He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(561): View more from Florida

my being single is dangerous.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Could a canary swim?

(952): View more from Minnesota

Last time I ever let you pet sit.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(858): View more from California

I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(214): View more from Texas

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(613): View more from Ontario

Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(727): View more from Florida

I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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