Silent_Thunder's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too. http://tfl.nu/4mc0
  Replies (6) Good night (747) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless. http://tfl.nu/288b
  Replies (1) Good night (130) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around http://tfl.nu/v7uu
  Replies (4) Good night (566) Bad night (112) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you.. http://tfl.nu/j404
  Replies (3) Good night (257) Bad night (125) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever. http://tfl.nu/l0yy
  Replies (4) Good night (380) Bad night (121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night http://tfl.nu/dak1
  Replies (9) Good night (1602) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray http://tfl.nu/kfk1
  Replies (3) Good night (156) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach http://tfl.nu/g4uo
  Replies (6) Good night (536) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me. http://tfl.nu/r9ax
  Replies (0) Good night (262) Bad night (120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh. http://tfl.nu/fhs6
  Replies (4) Good night (551) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE. http://tfl.nu/cj44
  Replies (2) Good night (739) Bad night (145) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Stalker pic that shit

  (1-509): View more from Washington

  He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Stalker pic that shit (1-509): He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you' http://tfl.nu/clxy
  Replies (2) Good night (197) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible. http://tfl.nu/eufu
  Replies (1) Good night (191) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips http://tfl.nu/avor
  Replies (2) Good night (482) Bad night (169) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex. http://tfl.nu/ihmc
  Replies (3) Good night (641) Bad night (99) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever http://tfl.nu/tk1a
  Replies (4) Good night (1552) Bad night (145) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh. http://tfl.nu/ednt
  Replies (5) Good night (180) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single. http://tfl.nu/1f65
  Replies (10) Good night (1111) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch http://tfl.nu/bywg
  Replies (7) Good night (1292) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk? http://tfl.nu/8zbp
  Replies (8) Good night (391) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night http://tfl.nu/qfjr
  Replies (4) Good night (1154) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing. http://tfl.nu/nz2e
  Replies (11) Good night (1063) Bad night (1402) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax. http://tfl.nu/e9ya
  Replies (10) Good night (475) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs. http://tfl.nu/h2q5
  Replies (5) Good night (477) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

  (516): View more from New York

  lol... you weighed it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm
  Replies (11) Good night (3831) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions http://tfl.nu/o45u
  Replies (4) Good night (452) Bad night (101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual http://tfl.nu/83u7
  Replies (3) Good night (853) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Come through the front door when you get here.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Come through the front door when you get here. (1-516): Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window. http://tfl.nu/uers
  Replies (4) Good night (656) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was. http://tfl.nu/s812
  Replies (6) Good night (911) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school http://tfl.nu/pd3u
  Replies (3) Good night (894) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills". http://tfl.nu/ec0b
  Replies (3) Good night (559) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing. http://tfl.nu/tiqf
  Replies (2) Good night (1153) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise. http://tfl.nu/8q09
  Replies (4) Good night (453) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse. http://tfl.nu/53yl
  Replies (13) Good night (1026) Bad night (1100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  DC is easy, you will figure it out.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): DC is easy, you will figure it out. (508): I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this. http://tfl.nu/ltz6
  Replies (3) Good night (581) Bad night (156)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he? http://tfl.nu/et15
  Replies (4) Good night (480) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i think i might be a female sloth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away (781): i think i might be a female sloth http://tfl.nu/d8fr
  Replies (5) Good night (1555) Bad night (127)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit? http://tfl.nu/ng8r
  Replies (2) Good night (944) Bad night (151)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero http://tfl.nu/rxr0
  Replies (4) Good night (703) Bad night (135) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it. http://tfl.nu/f0y3
  Replies (3) Good night (509) Bad night (137)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Helmets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids? (609): Helmets. http://tfl.nu/n1xg
  Replies (6) Good night (868) Bad night (105)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time " http://tfl.nu/0ln5
  Replies (4) Good night (736) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box. http://tfl.nu/0vry
  Replies (2) Good night (167) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower http://tfl.nu/h8q1
  Replies (1) Good night (284) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties. http://tfl.nu/tf8z
  Replies (1) Good night (464) Bad night (119) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me http://tfl.nu/6usl
  Replies (8) Good night (1559) Bad night (142) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT. http://tfl.nu/qhme
  Replies (5) Good night (1507) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him http://tfl.nu/hqgs
  Replies (1) Good night (583) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life. http://tfl.nu/0deg
  Replies (6) Good night (996) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message. http://tfl.nu/fe15
  Replies (1) Good night (929) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck. http://tfl.nu/p42i
  Replies (1) Good night (732) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life. http://tfl.nu/hv3j
  Replies (3) Good night (699) Bad night (186) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  I didn't get it..

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm sorry. But to the original question please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong. (1-859): I didn't get it.. (859): I'm sorry. But to the original question please. http://tfl.nu/67d3
  Replies (3) Good night (352) Bad night (669)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners. http://tfl.nu/yd21
  Replies (3) Good night (766) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security. http://tfl.nu/su6q
  Replies (7) Good night (1078) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

  (831): View more from California

  I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up? (831): I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak http://tfl.nu/xa8u
  Replies (4) Good night (1230) Bad night (175)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  And it tastes incredible.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  And I have chest pains.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee. (708): And it tastes incredible. (708): And I have chest pains. http://tfl.nu/iw1m
  Replies (6) Good night (1022) Bad night (319)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (5) Good night (2271) Bad night (206) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party. http://tfl.nu/e3ez
  Replies (5) Good night (1320) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. (216): I'll be there in 20 with vodka. http://tfl.nu/ar06
  Replies (5) Good night (1067) Bad night (237)
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am http://tfl.nu/ozx4
  Replies (3) Good night (920) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up. (313): Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals. http://tfl.nu/39hn
  Replies (6) Good night (1015) Bad night (178)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Should I go sleeveless of strapless?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): Should I go sleeveless of strapless? (1-803): Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it. http://tfl.nu/1uzl
  Replies (2) Good night (1345) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner http://tfl.nu/zbhu
  Replies (5) Good night (717) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow. http://tfl.nu/m6rb
  Replies (3) Good night (598) Bad night (155) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath" http://tfl.nu/0s5r
  Replies (3) Good night (559) Bad night (147)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body. http://tfl.nu/nnda
  Replies (2) Good night (633) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  You need a sexual gate keeper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): You need a sexual gate keeper http://tfl.nu/r2za
  Replies (7) Good night (602) Bad night (252) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time. http://tfl.nu/63oo
  Replies (2) Good night (877) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon. http://tfl.nu/php8
  Replies (11) Good night (1813) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea http://tfl.nu/734q
  Replies (7) Good night (1983) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore. http://tfl.nu/xzjn
  Replies (12) Good night (1529) Bad night (4045) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun. http://tfl.nu/37p2
  Replies (9) Good night (1757) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis! http://tfl.nu/o0qu
  Replies (4) Good night (472) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  So many things can go wrong tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun? (404): So many things can go wrong tonight. http://tfl.nu/anjg
  Replies (3) Good night (1052) Bad night (205)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again http://tfl.nu/ke6t
  Replies (6) Good night (721) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/g5uf
  Replies (26) Good night (860) Bad night (2411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you. http://tfl.nu/arry
  Replies (5) Good night (611) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win. http://tfl.nu/2dfk
  Replies (8) Good night (4686) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out. http://tfl.nu/ydh3
  Replies (6) Good night (2494) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really http://tfl.nu/kw3p
  Replies (6) Good night (1169) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1. http://tfl.nu/62gt
  Replies (8) Good night (440) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart. http://tfl.nu/h3lf
  Replies (4) Good night (847) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  My god, what have you done?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship. (1-203): My god, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/3iim
  Replies (3) Good night (1435) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/khmv
  Replies (5) Good night (570) Bad night (422)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on. http://tfl.nu/u2o1
  Replies (13) Good night (1773) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  You sprinted into the side of a parked car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): You sprinted into the side of a parked car http://tfl.nu/8ptj
  Replies (0) Good night (734) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

  (315): View more from New York

  Who is this?!????

  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook. (315): Who is this?!???? (518): That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger. http://tfl.nu/487m
  Replies (7) Good night (2907) Bad night (270)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain... http://tfl.nu/gy86
  Replies (4) Good night (921) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up? http://tfl.nu/j9qb
  Replies (4) Good night (621) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/r0ud
  Replies (11) Good night (1440) Bad night (181)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk. http://tfl.nu/ho36
  Replies (1) Good night (688) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident http://tfl.nu/o3n7
  Replies (8) Good night (382) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own. http://tfl.nu/8cpw
  Replies (1) Good night (562) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars. http://tfl.nu/3me1
  Replies (7) Good night (747) Bad night (190)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard. http://tfl.nu/4gv4
  Replies (1) Good night (855) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.

  (912): View more from Georgia

  I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away. (912): I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision http://tfl.nu/a7l8
  Replies (5) Good night (962) Bad night (169)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips. http://tfl.nu/dsdr
  Replies (4) Good night (547) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe. http://tfl.nu/ot23
  Replies (2) Good night (771) Bad night (218)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter. http://tfl.nu/jrqc
  Replies (6) Good night (5283) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty http://tfl.nu/qyka
  Replies (10) Good night (542) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing. http://tfl.nu/h7oz
  Replies (6) Good night (1072) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash http://tfl.nu/cbce
  Replies (3) Good night (857) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face. http://tfl.nu/j54i
  Replies (8) Good night (2221) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me http://tfl.nu/myp4
  Replies (1) Good night (815) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them (1-616): its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you http://tfl.nu/jk07
  Replies (2) Good night (902) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff. http://tfl.nu/snvk
  Replies (8) Good night (1183) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Who showers for four hours?!

  (760): View more from California

  It was like a tropical nap.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Who showers for four hours?! (760): It was like a tropical nap. http://tfl.nu/5ez6
  Replies (4) Good night (1144) Bad night (195)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it. http://tfl.nu/kwag
  Replies (2) Good night (1210) Bad night (285)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided. http://tfl.nu/izkw
  Replies (4) Good night (989) Bad night (195)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

  (619): View more from California

  I will find you...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank. (619): I will find you... http://tfl.nu/dshk
  Replies (16) Good night (2242) Bad night (397)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  Did someone catch you and fuck you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes. (1-828): Did someone catch you and fuck you? http://tfl.nu/onw1
  Replies (1) Good night (934) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap. http://tfl.nu/d86b
  Replies (10) Good night (1403) Bad night (3184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN. http://tfl.nu/4bnj
  Replies (12) Good night (922) Bad night (240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2096) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter http://tfl.nu/c0ww
  Replies (5) Good night (864) Bad night (186) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
  Replies (7) Good night (1394) Bad night (202)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day. http://tfl.nu/k3zd
  Replies (3) Good night (361) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs. http://tfl.nu/d8k3
  Replies (0) Good night (810) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2783) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times http://tfl.nu/9yzl
  Replies (6) Good night (643) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment. (603): naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS. http://tfl.nu/yhfs
  Replies (5) Good night (1725) Bad night (216)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul' http://tfl.nu/04nj
  Replies (3) Good night (923) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/xu3y
  Replies (2) Good night (1016) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out. http://tfl.nu/ioyx
  Replies (3) Good night (679) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on. http://tfl.nu/4vca
  Replies (1) Good night (1017) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life. http://tfl.nu/cgob
  Replies (3) Good night (1370) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it. http://tfl.nu/17vl
  Replies (5) Good night (1499) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head http://tfl.nu/1jjy
  Replies (5) Good night (707) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster. http://tfl.nu/k8oo
  Replies (2) Good night (1170) Bad night (207)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?" http://tfl.nu/0929
  Replies (3) Good night (1177) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it http://tfl.nu/hn11
  Replies (6) Good night (1006) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
  Replies (26) Good night (1967) Bad night (2011) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present. http://tfl.nu/s10t
  Replies (4) Good night (1441) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs. http://tfl.nu/bd7x
  Replies (3) Good night (1239) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover. http://tfl.nu/tjzc
  Replies (1) Good night (1138) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it? http://tfl.nu/wmow
  Replies (1) Good night (656) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days. http://tfl.nu/v2o4
  Replies (18) Good night (5280) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects. http://tfl.nu/vyxz
  Replies (2) Good night (647) Bad night (240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card http://tfl.nu/wrdz
  Replies (4) Good night (3103) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty" http://tfl.nu/qrhn
  Replies (18) Good night (6366) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour. http://tfl.nu/4726
  Replies (2) Good night (1277) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time http://tfl.nu/0t2u
  Replies (11) Good night (1023) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening? http://tfl.nu/i8s4
  Replies (8) Good night (1022) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator http://tfl.nu/9f4r
  Replies (2) Good night (720) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

  (415): View more from California

  I still don't know how you've lived this long.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time. (415): I still don't know how you've lived this long. http://tfl.nu/6ttn
  Replies (5) Good night (958) Bad night (335)
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

  (1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Croutons?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (787): He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads (1-787): Croutons? http://tfl.nu/yr5t
  Replies (3) Good night (1404) Bad night (238) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me. http://tfl.nu/23cm
  Replies (3) Good night (905) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear. http://tfl.nu/e69q
  Replies (2) Good night (592) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often http://tfl.nu/iv13
  Replies (25) Good night (4277) Bad night (958) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds. http://tfl.nu/tb7m
  Replies (1) Good night (818) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom http://tfl.nu/1eer
  Replies (3) Good night (960) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver http://tfl.nu/kd5u
  Replies (4) Good night (1494) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone. http://tfl.nu/7x1i
  Replies (6) Good night (1524) Bad night (294) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): It's like the blind leading the senile over here. (541): UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili. http://tfl.nu/cgpf
  Replies (7) Good night (1608) Bad night (802)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night. http://tfl.nu/ytje
  Replies (7) Good night (3903) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
  Replies (11) Good night (2491) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float. http://tfl.nu/ejnz
  Replies (6) Good night (1411) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): We should search craigslist for porches to sublet. http://tfl.nu/mpxg
  Replies (2) Good night (1623) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc
  Replies (39) Good night (2313) Bad night (4850) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
  Replies (14) Good night (3219) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help http://tfl.nu/q76e
  Replies (6) Good night (1409) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing. http://tfl.nu/jldd
  Replies (14) Good night (1486) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  That's me emphasizing the ridiculous

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS (808): That's me emphasizing the ridiculous http://tfl.nu/j8gk
  Replies (1) Good night (606) Bad night (191)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
  Replies (18) Good night (2435) Bad night (309)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush. http://tfl.nu/3ehj
  Replies (6) Good night (711) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon. http://tfl.nu/2uoq
  Replies (8) Good night (365) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right? http://tfl.nu/i5oh
  Replies (1) Good night (961) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe" http://tfl.nu/u8zn
  Replies (3) Good night (917) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me? http://tfl.nu/5yrh
  Replies (5) Good night (1149) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out. http://tfl.nu/mu2i
  Replies (1) Good night (1274) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together. http://tfl.nu/l7kg
  Replies (34) Good night (3011) Bad night (9730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were. http://tfl.nu/pdic
  Replies (3) Good night (1132) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE http://tfl.nu/qqx3
  Replies (12) Good night (2533) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go. http://tfl.nu/c4rz
  Replies (3) Good night (768) Bad night (297)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard. http://tfl.nu/qfqx
  Replies (14) Good night (1714) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point http://tfl.nu/m5fj
  Replies (3) Good night (1026) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation. http://tfl.nu/c3ab
  Replies (5) Good night (1388) Bad night (210)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  ROADTRIP.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak. (1-405): ROADTRIP. http://tfl.nu/2zv7
  Replies (20) Good night (1444) Bad night (289)
• Favorite

  (830): View more from Texas

  I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (830): I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate. http://tfl.nu/ytk5
  Replies (1) Good night (670) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (574): I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help. http://tfl.nu/f05s
  Replies (2) Good night (722) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe" http://tfl.nu/2m07
  Replies (7) Good night (1343) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message. http://tfl.nu/3foq
  Replies (6) Good night (1877) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked. http://tfl.nu/ufw5
  Replies (3) Good night (1166) Bad night (223)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being? http://tfl.nu/tmnj
  Replies (9) Good night (562) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  On my way to the DMV to get arrested

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): On my way to the DMV to get arrested http://tfl.nu/1450
  Replies (8) Good night (948) Bad night (1949) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half.. http://tfl.nu/kmcb
  Replies (2) Good night (614) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  This is why we're friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator. (1-780): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/yp3s
  Replies (7) Good night (4375) Bad night (894)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?! http://tfl.nu/21am
  Replies (11) Good night (2223) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents. http://tfl.nu/1dqy
  Replies (10) Good night (1459) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey. http://tfl.nu/5gwc
  Replies (4) Good night (1804) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day. http://tfl.nu/rivr
  Replies (9) Good night (1571) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state. http://tfl.nu/kqwr
  Replies (8) Good night (1074) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
  Replies (10) Good night (1917) Bad night (340)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex. http://tfl.nu/29kt
  Replies (11) Good night (523) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore http://tfl.nu/eg5i
  Replies (3) Good night (998) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored. http://tfl.nu/hxpc
  Replies (2) Good night (1233) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together http://tfl.nu/pe8s
  Replies (4) Good night (1180) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it. http://tfl.nu/8sjw
  Replies (7) Good night (1241) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes http://tfl.nu/djiq
  Replies (2) Good night (916) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from? http://tfl.nu/d0ez
  Replies (7) Good night (1075) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/7bl9
  Replies (7) Good night (976) Bad night (2498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street. http://tfl.nu/lc9z
  Replies (6) Good night (1326) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin? http://tfl.nu/zb3y
  Replies (20) Good night (2942) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad. http://tfl.nu/6faf
  Replies (8) Good night (4382) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me http://tfl.nu/lf37
  Replies (9) Good night (4292) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~ http://tfl.nu/ka83
  Replies (6) Good night (1620) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor. http://tfl.nu/2e0y
  Replies (6) Good night (1304) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea... http://tfl.nu/bj54
  Replies (6) Good night (389) Bad night (1387) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell. http://tfl.nu/g46j
  Replies (6) Good night (1606) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

  (818): View more from California

  Because it is cat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use. (818): Because it is cat. http://tfl.nu/tbfo
  Replies (9) Good night (1433) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever http://tfl.nu/sex2
  Replies (6) Good night (827) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here. http://tfl.nu/dms5
  Replies (6) Good night (791) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone? http://tfl.nu/d362
  Replies (8) Good night (1472) Bad night (2431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Disregard the shoes in the freezer. http://tfl.nu/ak94
  Replies (5) Good night (1763) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did http://tfl.nu/hfoj
  Replies (21) Good night (5146) Bad night (1961) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work. http://tfl.nu/4lb8
  Replies (13) Good night (2071) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood? (1-901): Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine. http://tfl.nu/uq9s
  Replies (3) Good night (1626) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day. http://tfl.nu/r0vt
  Replies (6) Good night (986) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it... http://tfl.nu/at35
  Replies (6) Good night (1579) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
  Replies (6) Good night (2178) Bad night (331)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
  Replies (57) Good night (8026) Bad night (2407)
• Favorite

  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+31): Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair http://tfl.nu/outv
  Replies (3) Good night (450) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun" http://tfl.nu/k4ww
  Replies (9) Good night (1577) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea http://tfl.nu/7vrt
  Replies (5) Good night (1891) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4605) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston. http://tfl.nu/atcw
  Replies (11) Good night (1489) Bad night (965)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

  (817): View more from Texas

  Last one there wins

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship (817): Last one there wins http://tfl.nu/wuri
  Replies (3) Good night (1870) Bad night (490)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Olive Garden will never be the same.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH" (864): Olive Garden will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/o2p7
  Replies (10) Good night (1691) Bad night (661)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians. (1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue. http://tfl.nu/hc5m
  Replies (10) Good night (3032) Bad night (512)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted http://tfl.nu/7mo3
  Replies (2) Good night (1438) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey http://tfl.nu/3j62
  Replies (5) Good night (1261) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower. http://tfl.nu/aao1
  Replies (6) Good night (1252) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again http://tfl.nu/n6kd
  Replies (29) Good night (1785) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  And I might get them triple pierced after that

  (631): View more from New York

  Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): And I might get them triple pierced after that (631): Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors http://tfl.nu/vrzy
  Replies (13) Good night (977) Bad night (394)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES? http://tfl.nu/syph
  Replies (18) Good night (1986) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge. http://tfl.nu/jdua
  Replies (20) Good night (2078) Bad night (3696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you http://tfl.nu/gy7n
  Replies (11) Good night (1073) Bad night (2711) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable. http://tfl.nu/14d9
  Replies (3) Good night (1400) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success! http://tfl.nu/k1zi
  Replies (10) Good night (1616) Bad night (425)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video... http://tfl.nu/iq5u
  Replies (5) Good night (2124) Bad night (419)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state. http://tfl.nu/9dzb
  Replies (6) Good night (2541) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes. (403): Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck http://tfl.nu/3zrr
  Replies (7) Good night (1543) Bad night (845)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask? http://tfl.nu/p3wm
  Replies (3) Good night (1197) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead http://tfl.nu/s4ov
  Replies (7) Good night (3113) Bad night (969) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it http://tfl.nu/4bhh
  Replies (14) Good night (4164) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer. http://tfl.nu/5cv0
  Replies (2) Good night (2083) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
  Replies (23) Good night (7908) Bad night (1156) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night. http://tfl.nu/namk
  Replies (2) Good night (1560) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
  Replies (21) Good night (11896) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance... http://tfl.nu/f7dv
  Replies (7) Good night (2582) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack. http://tfl.nu/afhg
  Replies (2) Good night (326) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid. http://tfl.nu/grub
  Replies (9) Good night (2547) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
  Replies (12) Good night (13221) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+27): View more from South Africa

  i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+27): i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please http://tfl.nu/h9fq
  Replies (3) Good night (679) Bad night (1166)
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny. http://tfl.nu/z1it
  Replies (14) Good night (559) Bad night (2015) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!" http://tfl.nu/rhjr
  Replies (1) Good night (694) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

  (1-951): View more from California

  This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you. (1-951): This is the first time I'm hearing this information. http://tfl.nu/wdlz
  Replies (20) Good night (3524) Bad night (461)
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight http://tfl.nu/vlsg
  Replies (14) Good night (894) Bad night (2152) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth. http://tfl.nu/fyz7
  Replies (11) Good night (1016) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
  Replies (13) Good night (3517) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again. http://tfl.nu/lu9i
  Replies (9) Good night (592) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all. http://tfl.nu/if2m
  Replies (9) Good night (2095) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER? http://tfl.nu/1zq3
  Replies (7) Good night (996) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher http://tfl.nu/j0wm
  Replies (3) Good night (1502) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL http://tfl.nu/hj1k
  Replies (3) Good night (1325) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

  (415): View more from California

  Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit. (415): Use your nursing skills for good, not evil. http://tfl.nu/0k9b
  Replies (10) Good night (3458) Bad night (412)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer. http://tfl.nu/9z00
  Replies (4) Good night (1135) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel. http://tfl.nu/9ny9
  Replies (9) Good night (1600) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
  Replies (22) Good night (5182) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point http://tfl.nu/cccx
  Replies (9) Good night (1650) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady. http://tfl.nu/u0md
  Replies (19) Good night (2025) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen. http://tfl.nu/atwf
  Replies (10) Good night (2981) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me http://tfl.nu/axou
  Replies (9) Good night (748) Bad night (1596) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
  Replies (17) Good night (11399) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop. http://tfl.nu/d7w3
  Replies (3) Good night (2952) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated. http://tfl.nu/zxsm
  Replies (6) Good night (1683) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved. http://tfl.nu/m2zi
  Replies (5) Good night (617) Bad night (1292) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes? http://tfl.nu/3emh
  Replies (4) Good night (1128) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation. http://tfl.nu/ln89
  Replies (3) Good night (1292) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station http://tfl.nu/tet7
  Replies (15) Good night (3608) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men http://tfl.nu/fivt
  Replies (14) Good night (835) Bad night (1707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today http://tfl.nu/l6jz
  Replies (2) Good night (1048) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond. http://tfl.nu/i1tf
  Replies (12) Good night (2481) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
  Replies (17) Good night (7720) Bad night (1925) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick http://tfl.nu/lcrn
  Replies (5) Good night (1028) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going... http://tfl.nu/liwq
  Replies (4) Good night (1275) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots? http://tfl.nu/gvsx
  Replies (13) Good night (3551) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  Probably

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment? (1-715): Probably http://tfl.nu/g5lc
  Replies (2) Good night (1237) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance http://tfl.nu/oovm
  Replies (8) Good night (2035) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME! http://tfl.nu/punt
  Replies (6) Good night (1843) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests. http://tfl.nu/eem8
  Replies (20) Good night (1872) Bad night (4877) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun. http://tfl.nu/sore
  Replies (1) Good night (759) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up. http://tfl.nu/82ti
  Replies (9) Good night (326) Bad night (1217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  She said she liked strap-ons.

  (1-916): View more from California

  SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): She said she liked strap-ons. (1-916): SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER! http://tfl.nu/41v6
  Replies (14) Good night (2726) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water http://tfl.nu/xb1j
  Replies (5) Good night (431) Bad night (1365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Did I change midway through last night?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Did I change midway through last night? (206): Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking http://tfl.nu/rz21
  Replies (2) Good night (2064) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
  Replies (38) Good night (8506) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Slow dancing with the chandelier.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Slow dancing with the chandelier. http://tfl.nu/w34r
  Replies (4) Good night (1019) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence. http://tfl.nu/yx0o
  Replies (4) Good night (1889) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk http://tfl.nu/x5i0
  Replies (6) Good night (1363) Bad night (430)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b
  Replies (33) Good night (7424) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I haven't seen her in ages, how is she? (651): Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better http://tfl.nu/q7yr
  Replies (5) Good night (1991) Bad night (439)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something. http://tfl.nu/z9g9
  Replies (18) Good night (805) Bad night (2105) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire... http://tfl.nu/1iat
  Replies (5) Good night (1472) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy http://tfl.nu/u49d
  Replies (3) Good night (1378) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall... http://tfl.nu/rel8
  Replies (6) Good night (1416) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found" http://tfl.nu/rmaa
  Replies (3) Good night (1525) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover http://tfl.nu/1e3z
  Replies (8) Good night (1190) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks. http://tfl.nu/3xq6
  Replies (7) Good night (2776) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
  Replies (29) Good night (6594) Bad night (1466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse http://tfl.nu/qtc9
  Replies (7) Good night (2092) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (4180) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  I'm out of town so we should be golden.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me. (1-419): I'm out of town so we should be golden. http://tfl.nu/4amm
  Replies (5) Good night (2013) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (931): THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING http://tfl.nu/7m50
  Replies (27) Good night (3903) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (842): View more from

  we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (842): we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone http://tfl.nu/yvho
  Replies (11) Good night (2268) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
  Replies (14) Good night (3418) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer http://tfl.nu/lzgu
  Replies (7) Good night (1567) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/coqa
  Replies (10) Good night (1429) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it. http://tfl.nu/4vqb
  Replies (8) Good night (1646) Bad night (468)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs" http://tfl.nu/jaco
  Replies (6) Good night (2745) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us. http://tfl.nu/pfss
  Replies (3) Good night (1600) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out. http://tfl.nu/2o8m
  Replies (5) Good night (2041) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Brilliant thought; pill pong.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  What could go wrong?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Brilliant thought; pill pong. (651): What could go wrong? http://tfl.nu/lofi
  Replies (12) Good night (810) Bad night (1019)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER http://tfl.nu/2v94
  Replies (6) Good night (596) Bad night (1336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control. http://tfl.nu/b7dz
  Replies (6) Good night (2100) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car http://tfl.nu/5sre
  Replies (2) Good night (1180) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up http://tfl.nu/word
  Replies (4) Good night (1654) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  That was beautiful.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate. (1-775): That was beautiful. http://tfl.nu/d63d
  Replies (4) Good night (1403) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it http://tfl.nu/9cts
  Replies (37) Good night (11246) Bad night (672)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look. http://tfl.nu/oye1
  Replies (9) Good night (2931) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won. http://tfl.nu/om0u
  Replies (2) Good night (850) Bad night (1483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from? http://tfl.nu/obbh
  Replies (27) Good night (2287) Bad night (6629) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener. http://tfl.nu/k1i6
  Replies (5) Good night (1823) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj
  Replies (21) Good night (8336) Bad night (949) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this? http://tfl.nu/n5g9
  Replies (3) Good night (1616) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car. http://tfl.nu/zuv0
  Replies (13) Good night (2391) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed. http://tfl.nu/j5xb
  Replies (6) Good night (1342) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark. http://tfl.nu/bjsg
  Replies (9) Good night (1046) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head http://tfl.nu/if7o
  Replies (4) Good night (1473) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit http://tfl.nu/ocpj
  Replies (18) Good night (3878) Bad night (589)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday? http://tfl.nu/psur
  Replies (5) Good night (3023) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake? http://tfl.nu/02wx
  Replies (7) Good night (1708) Bad night (398)
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk? http://tfl.nu/c8sl
  Replies (24) Good night (2251) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  ....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this? (1-204): ....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best http://tfl.nu/o3b5
  Replies (7) Good night (2144) Bad night (469)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside. http://tfl.nu/2kyw
  Replies (24) Good night (4822) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
  Replies (7) Good night (2445) Bad night (498)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate. http://tfl.nu/wg9p
  Replies (11) Good night (887) Bad night (3443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling. http://tfl.nu/zskd
  Replies (14) Good night (7094) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance. http://tfl.nu/0bj8
  Replies (13) Good night (4147) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring. http://tfl.nu/lp7n
  Replies (4) Good night (2063) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb
  Replies (8) Good night (4498) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  they paper machayed me.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): they paper machayed me. (215): i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers. http://tfl.nu/kseh
  Replies (5) Good night (3171) Bad night (402)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me. http://tfl.nu/s5ld
  Replies (8) Good night (3188) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor. http://tfl.nu/mqcd
  Replies (8) Good night (1719) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange. http://tfl.nu/6ccw
  Replies (19) Good night (1173) Bad night (5356) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

  (757): View more from Virginia

  you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes. (757): you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing. http://tfl.nu/fdil
  Replies (7) Good night (1738) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong. http://tfl.nu/d58h
  Replies (6) Good night (1273) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow http://tfl.nu/f59o
  Replies (9) Good night (925) Bad night (1868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  he ran through my sliding door

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): he ran through my sliding door (1-815): in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers http://tfl.nu/3l97
  Replies (5) Good night (2139) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night? http://tfl.nu/328v
  Replies (9) Good night (2424) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out http://tfl.nu/zt8v
  Replies (3) Good night (1593) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): You almost set me on fire last night. (1-732): You probably deserved it. http://tfl.nu/ggaf
  Replies (9) Good night (3117) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought http://tfl.nu/rg7p
  Replies (11) Good night (1890) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
  Replies (63) Good night (20405) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

  (1-302): View more from Delaware

  You mean inside out.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down. (1-302): You mean inside out. (302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist. http://tfl.nu/eio3
  Replies (20) Good night (7440) Bad night (874)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck? http://tfl.nu/szfq
  Replies (8) Good night (1654) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
  Replies (12) Good night (2625) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice http://tfl.nu/nj79
  Replies (5) Good night (1362) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal http://tfl.nu/wd7r
  Replies (18) Good night (1238) Bad night (3895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her. http://tfl.nu/s0ys
  Replies (5) Good night (3218) Bad night (545)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
  Replies (34) Good night (15187) Bad night (1051) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He sprained his penis one time

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): He sprained his penis one time (603): He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis http://tfl.nu/1fye
  Replies (21) Good night (489) Bad night (2094)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend (703): You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence. http://tfl.nu/no32
  Replies (4) Good night (1534) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (289): Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food. http://tfl.nu/bfcw
  Replies (8) Good night (3338) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward. (262): I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win. http://tfl.nu/2vvo
  Replies (18) Good night (633) Bad night (1599)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/vjuq
  Replies (11) Good night (2226) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much. http://tfl.nu/ll22
  Replies (27) Good night (7397) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?! http://tfl.nu/gina
  Replies (13) Good night (1169) Bad night (6477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I mistook a propane tank for a keg. http://tfl.nu/qvlo
  Replies (21) Good night (834) Bad night (10051) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It usually does with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit (1-717): It usually does with you http://tfl.nu/9ly0
  Replies (6) Good night (4159) Bad night (844) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel
  Replies (12) Good night (8544) Bad night (1466)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat http://tfl.nu/ufc8
  Replies (24) Good night (2255) Bad night (3214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates. http://tfl.nu/faj1
  Replies (5) Good night (2417) Bad night (554)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight? (262): Do you want cuervo gold or silver? http://tfl.nu/7twk
  Replies (11) Good night (3096) Bad night (498)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog http://tfl.nu/w6qp
  Replies (4) Good night (3219) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now. http://tfl.nu/w3yg
  Replies (7) Good night (4305) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  fair point

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us (1-630): fair point http://tfl.nu/efw3
  Replies (8) Good night (1647) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes http://tfl.nu/3pbg
  Replies (10) Good night (1162) Bad night (3410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat. http://tfl.nu/q1ic
  Replies (27) Good night (5079) Bad night (1816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
  Replies (13) Good night (4968) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice. http://tfl.nu/s321
  Replies (15) Good night (5261) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle http://tfl.nu/2q09
  Replies (13) Good night (1027) Bad night (3564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (438): View more from Quebec

  gladiator or hannah montana?

  (514): View more from Quebec

  This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (438): gladiator or hannah montana? (514): This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone. http://tfl.nu/qyay
  Replies (3) Good night (2777) Bad night (524)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And your cock privileges have been revoked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck? (604): And your cock privileges have been revoked. http://tfl.nu/u4qr
  Replies (10) Good night (1005) Bad night (1586)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

  (253): View more from Washington

  you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone. (253): you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker. http://tfl.nu/ov6f
  Replies (3) Good night (2466) Bad night (933)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Casually had to file a missing persons report last night http://tfl.nu/xg7g
  Replies (12) Good night (794) Bad night (1756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
  Replies (7) Good night (2444) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. http://tfl.nu/ni37
  Replies (17) Good night (5433) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen. http://tfl.nu/hdza
  Replies (16) Good night (3820) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/e0k8
  Replies (4) Good night (1914) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (4214) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck http://tfl.nu/v7jv
  Replies (4) Good night (1463) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl. http://tfl.nu/csya
  Replies (15) Good night (2868) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies" http://tfl.nu/cpcz
  Replies (7) Good night (2931) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717):Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine. (1-717):That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with. http://tfl.nu/pv3h
  Replies (16) Good night (3920) Bad night (499)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you. (1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this. http://tfl.nu/x6e9
  Replies (25) Good night (11644) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick http://tfl.nu/nn0g
  Replies (19) Good night (892) Bad night (4095) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (348): View more from

  Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

  (1-348): View more from

  You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (348): Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place. (1-348): You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion. http://tfl.nu/i2j4
  Replies (5) Good night (3170) Bad night (480)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again http://tfl.nu/o3kd
  Replies (14) Good night (2039) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"? (505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win. http://tfl.nu/lwrt
  Replies (3) Good night (1817) Bad night (510)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2
  Replies (4) Good night (2550) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Do what your heart wants. . .

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Do what your heart wants. . . (504): My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis http://tfl.nu/o9fm
  Replies (7) Good night (2418) Bad night (693)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental http://tfl.nu/iday
  Replies (5) Good night (1748) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind. http://tfl.nu/4evb
  Replies (9) Good night (1092) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis. http://tfl.nu/1eq4
  Replies (3) Good night (1714) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I think I sprained my soul last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I think I sprained my soul last night http://tfl.nu/779v
  Replies (11) Good night (2276) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?! http://tfl.nu/d9v0
  Replies (61) Good night (1257) Bad night (2212) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned" http://tfl.nu/aoz0
  Replies (12) Good night (4194) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  why is my forehead so bruised?

  (1+61): View more from

  i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): why is my forehead so bruised? (1+61): i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms. http://tfl.nu/t9yj
  Replies (6) Good night (2210) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month. http://tfl.nu/j1wm
  Replies (3) Good night (1377) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart http://tfl.nu/w4xp
  Replies (7) Good night (1829) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out. http://tfl.nu/chur
  Replies (10) Good night (3987) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming. http://tfl.nu/2tij
  Replies (6) Good night (3050) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way. http://tfl.nu/i55j
  Replies (3) Good night (3221) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening. http://tfl.nu/p9mo
  Replies (7) Good night (3707) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight http://tfl.nu/yocu
  Replies (20) Good night (710)