Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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