Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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