Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
