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look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
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