Authoress's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.

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  (401): Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here? (231): Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds. (401): I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window. http://tfl.nu/vqmu
  Replies (0) Good night (717) Bad night (130)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Still breathing?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  What.

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  (503): Still breathing? (303): Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences. (503): What. http://tfl.nu/d219
  Replies (4) Good night (543) Bad night (193)
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles

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  (434): After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles http://tfl.nu/5yst
  Replies (6) Good night (691) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.

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  (850): I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute. http://tfl.nu/idmm
  Replies (2) Good night (1045) Bad night (194)
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am

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  (506): Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am http://tfl.nu/i89z
  Replies (5) Good night (344) Bad night (155) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?

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  (312): Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!? http://tfl.nu/obq2
  Replies (4) Good night (509) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

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  (860): he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE. http://tfl.nu/wid5
  Replies (5) Good night (780) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder

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  (503): Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder http://tfl.nu/i6jl
  Replies (8) Good night (728) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next

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  (202): Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next http://tfl.nu/dw8t
  Replies (4) Good night (347) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

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  (971): Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor. http://tfl.nu/pagf
  Replies (1) Good night (649) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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  (914): He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him. http://tfl.nu/d8kc
  Replies (4) Good night (1408) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.

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  (202): She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top. http://tfl.nu/luup
  Replies (10) Good night (974) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  How's dating the med student working out for you?

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  A true anatomy project.

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  (414): How's dating the med student working out for you? (715): After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was. (414): A true anatomy project. http://tfl.nu/in9w
  Replies (2) Good night (880) Bad night (167)
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.

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  (660): I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now. http://tfl.nu/b4q6
  Replies (5) Good night (922) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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  (705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on. http://tfl.nu/2ncf
  Replies (9) Good night (2785) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down

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  (906): I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down http://tfl.nu/5qer
  Replies (5) Good night (926) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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  (774): stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick http://tfl.nu/dnwu
  Replies (10) Good night (1572) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.

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  (613): He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/4yrh
  Replies (2) Good night (1137) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.

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  (724): Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall. http://tfl.nu/yi3c
  Replies (3) Good night (642) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember

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  (830): It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember http://tfl.nu/l1ic
  Replies (0) Good night (267) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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  (613): All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real. http://tfl.nu/5379
  Replies (10) Good night (2122) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.

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  (314): He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it. http://tfl.nu/p1fo
  Replies (6) Good night (693) Bad night (199)
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...

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  (204): Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"... http://tfl.nu/0fub
  Replies (5) Good night (894) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.

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  (541): Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body. http://tfl.nu/i81x
  Replies (9) Good night (1590) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.

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  (915): My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME. http://tfl.nu/zcmi
  Replies (8) Good night (358) Bad night (1137)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.

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  (612): It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected. http://tfl.nu/ebyi
  Replies (4) Good night (728) Bad night (184)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?

  (650): View more from California

  There is so much wrong with that sentence

  (707): View more from California

  Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real

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  (707): I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom? (650): There is so much wrong with that sentence (707): Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real http://tfl.nu/wzrt
  Replies (5) Good night (845) Bad night (350)
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  (496): View more from

  I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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  (496): I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically http://tfl.nu/83i3
  Replies (4) Good night (707) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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  (701): I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on http://tfl.nu/r00x
  Replies (2) Good night (912) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished

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  (646): He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished http://tfl.nu/jql6
  Replies (6) Good night (309) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person

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  (817): My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person http://tfl.nu/r4rm
  Replies (3) Good night (1151) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..

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  (660): I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won.. http://tfl.nu/18ev
  Replies (4) Good night (807) Bad night (225)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...

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  (905): The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that... http://tfl.nu/6jhl
  Replies (3) Good night (679) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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  (781): my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free http://tfl.nu/f62q
  Replies (9) Good night (1908) Bad night (219)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.

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  (780): I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started. http://tfl.nu/6whx
  Replies (0) Good night (592) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"

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  (312): Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?" http://tfl.nu/y5jf
  Replies (1) Good night (272) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.

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  (915): People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling. http://tfl.nu/el49
  Replies (8) Good night (1058) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

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  (719): I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room. http://tfl.nu/d9w2
  Replies (6) Good night (1570) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes

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  (780): Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes http://tfl.nu/7wy7
  Replies (6) Good night (377) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...

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  (702): there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya... http://tfl.nu/edke
  Replies (6) Good night (503) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.

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  (540): His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me. http://tfl.nu/adz0
  Replies (5) Good night (353) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.

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  (703): HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER. http://tfl.nu/g3ji
  Replies (1) Good night (1093) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

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  (706): I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos. http://tfl.nu/xv9s
  Replies (9) Good night (736) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.

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  (757): Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nvyb
  Replies (8) Good night (378) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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  (312): If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/vx4i
  Replies (4) Good night (927) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.

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  (404): So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord. http://tfl.nu/381z
  Replies (5) Good night (338) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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  (208): Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/sft8
  Replies (3) Good night (638) Bad night (222)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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  (614): My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep. http://tfl.nu/ua0k
  Replies (12) Good night (2401) Bad night (381)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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  (307): Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex. http://tfl.nu/mrat
  Replies (7) Good night (1636) Bad night (309)
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  (805): View more from California

  Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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  (805): Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out" http://tfl.nu/3yx5
  Replies (7) Good night (476) Bad night (954)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.

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  (540): He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room. http://tfl.nu/7y89
  Replies (3) Good night (1371) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...

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  (901): As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you... http://tfl.nu/9ceg
  Replies (10) Good night (414) Bad night (1763) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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  (530): When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck. http://tfl.nu/3nwx
  Replies (11) Good night (1601) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.

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  (434): He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/bcau
  Replies (7) Good night (460) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them

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  (206): just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them http://tfl.nu/w8ay
  Replies (4) Good night (277) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm a corrupt cop.

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  (678): You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably. (404): I'm a corrupt cop. http://tfl.nu/teya
  Replies (4) Good night (1651) Bad night (271)
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  (631): View more from New York

  He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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  (631): He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims. http://tfl.nu/mqeu
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  (518): View more from New York

  You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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  (518): You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with http://tfl.nu/vbdb
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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  (573): Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex. http://tfl.nu/smrh
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom

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  (815): I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom http://tfl.nu/3qo4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.

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  (443): The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts. http://tfl.nu/2k5o
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.

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  (570): At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement? (1-570): I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet. http://tfl.nu/p7w6
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

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  (704): From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting. http://tfl.nu/uwdf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  I love you more by the minute

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  (917): I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning (1-917): I love you more by the minute http://tfl.nu/4g8c
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

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  (540): Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot. http://tfl.nu/omko
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  (626): View more from California

  I reek of latex and grilled onions.

  (626): View more from California

  Mission accomplished.

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  (626): I reek of latex and grilled onions. (626): Mission accomplished. http://tfl.nu/k1oy
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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  (508): Let me tell you the story of bicurious george http://tfl.nu/xwje
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists

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  (215): An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists http://tfl.nu/ypfg
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.

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  (908): Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad. http://tfl.nu/akuu
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish

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  (276): Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish http://tfl.nu/p7ll
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.

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  (919): We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible. http://tfl.nu/ny7k
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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  (505): The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it. http://tfl.nu/p90f
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  (310): View more from California

  My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.

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  (310): My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick. http://tfl.nu/xvdr
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters

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  (240): If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters http://tfl.nu/bqf1
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  that was THE gayest party i've ever been to

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.

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  (336): that was THE gayest party i've ever been to (1-336): To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting. http://tfl.nu/c4g2
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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  (602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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  (503): Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you. http://tfl.nu/ee0n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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  (617): You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33. (1-617): you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight http://tfl.nu/rpjk
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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  (902): I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms. http://tfl.nu/obep
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  (512): View more from Texas

  My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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  (512): My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches? http://tfl.nu/d2yt
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  (212): View more from New York

  you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window

  (212): View more from New York

  i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there

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  (212): you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window (212): i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there http://tfl.nu/q2cr
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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  (614): TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG (1-614): HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS http://tfl.nu/fp5t
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  (210): View more from Texas

  And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.

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  (210): And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses. http://tfl.nu/edcx
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.

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  (603): I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there. http://tfl.nu/rrty
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners

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  (551): Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners http://tfl.nu/77j3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.

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  (405): There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation. http://tfl.nu/8ogi
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"

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  (701): I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day" http://tfl.nu/o3b3
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?

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  (978): do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man? http://tfl.nu/w8vx
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.

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  (314): For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo. http://tfl.nu/n4q2
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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  (250): I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much. (1-250): What the fuck, why would you ever do that? (250): Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball? http://tfl.nu/mk5m
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  (619): View more from California

  how did you know i stayed over last night?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom

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  (619): how did you know i stayed over last night? (702): there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom http://tfl.nu/hfaf
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  (845): View more from New York

  You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

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  (845): You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital http://tfl.nu/w35x
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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  (602): I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College. http://tfl.nu/47ac
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  (716): View more from New York

  Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

  (716): View more from New York

  If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

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  (716): Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you? (716): If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love http://tfl.nu/boug
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.

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  (330): Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce. http://tfl.nu/fes5
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

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  (410): So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity http://tfl.nu/7cj4
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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  (210): I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you? http://tfl.nu/lbmm
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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  (406): Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night. http://tfl.nu/g42n
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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  (+44): My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts?? http://tfl.nu/jz5d
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  how did operation slutty penguin go?

  (619): View more from California

  pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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  (303): how did operation slutty penguin go? (619): pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter http://tfl.nu/uigh
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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  (616): We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots. http://tfl.nu/koac
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome

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  (815): When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome http://tfl.nu/kf51
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.

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  (312): i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me. http://tfl.nu/c5n9
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.

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  (662): We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings. http://tfl.nu/gskc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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  (513): I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen. http://tfl.nu/m4h2
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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  (973): I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league http://tfl.nu/mvb2
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.

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  (417): Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you. http://tfl.nu/mj9e
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  (585): View more from New York

  Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

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  (585): Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook http://tfl.nu/4sfp
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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  (206): I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again (1-206): RESPECT THE VODQUILA http://tfl.nu/on0c
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

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  (312): He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning. http://tfl.nu/pfuk
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  (805): View more from California

  Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.

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  (805): Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother. http://tfl.nu/ewkc
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  (561): View more from Florida

  She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

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  (561): She thinks Jesus was an astronaut. http://tfl.nu/koey
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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  (937): I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it. http://tfl.nu/wtlk
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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  (503): Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here. http://tfl.nu/gxsg
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  (845): View more from New York

  I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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  (845): I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings http://tfl.nu/ny97
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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  (937): I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hc91
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  BoomCity!!!

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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  (937): BoomCity!!! (1-937): You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong. http://tfl.nu/5msc
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2

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  (902): Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2 http://tfl.nu/oegq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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  (+44): We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands. http://tfl.nu/fk2d
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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  (479): Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion? http://tfl.nu/7a2v
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
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  (805): View more from California

  We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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  (805): We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?" http://tfl.nu/3rqz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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  (512): Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL. http://tfl.nu/149w
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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  (306): whoa! who said he's my boyfriend? (1-306): Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina. http://tfl.nu/k1yy
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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  (678): Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool. http://tfl.nu/6mtz
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?

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  (856): I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police? http://tfl.nu/pr1m
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

  (812): View more from Indiana

  That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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  (317): You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants (812): That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub. http://tfl.nu/6wmx
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  (315): View more from New York

  drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.

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  (315): drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached. http://tfl.nu/t45s
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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  (402): Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted http://tfl.nu/8l0y
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  (408): View more from California

  so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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  (408): so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing http://tfl.nu/s8yq
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

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  (613): Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook. http://tfl.nu/9inf
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  (347): View more from New York

  maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life

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  (347): maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life http://tfl.nu/rmnc
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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  (319): WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER (1-319): THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL http://tfl.nu/179q
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!

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  (405): Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting! http://tfl.nu/ctqc
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  "Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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  (605): "Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in... http://tfl.nu/n5vg
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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  (270): him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem. http://tfl.nu/ie18
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  (760): View more from California

  Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

  (818): View more from California

  Because it is cat.

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  (760): Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use. (818): Because it is cat. http://tfl.nu/tbfo
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

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  (313): What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask http://tfl.nu/sq4u
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  (315): View more from New York

  While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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  (315): While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects http://tfl.nu/c75x
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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  (814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed. http://tfl.nu/4uwe
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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  (719): I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster. http://tfl.nu/ckt2
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

  (1-601): View more from Mississippi

  Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

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  (601): You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench. (1-601): Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan? http://tfl.nu/mbl9
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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  (302): I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will http://tfl.nu/3pox
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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  (717): I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it. http://tfl.nu/i1s8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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  (304): It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town. http://tfl.nu/067f
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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  (724): GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~ http://tfl.nu/ka83
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  What does puking wasabi feel like?

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  Like snorting cocaine backwards.

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  (602): What does puking wasabi feel like? (1-602): Like snorting cocaine backwards. http://tfl.nu/l21m
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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  (417): I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning. http://tfl.nu/bwti
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

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  (520): I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now. http://tfl.nu/zshk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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  (706): It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from? http://tfl.nu/d0ez
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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  (407): Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out. http://tfl.nu/1dhs
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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  (512): Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America. http://tfl.nu/xibs
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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  (419): Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus http://tfl.nu/mjlu
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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  (402): Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains. http://tfl.nu/xruv
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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  (623): I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future. http://tfl.nu/v5m6
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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  (563): As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me... http://tfl.nu/pbqy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

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  (586): Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building http://tfl.nu/p9dh
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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  (215): she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here. http://tfl.nu/hoyt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

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  (507): Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it. http://tfl.nu/8sjw
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off

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  (219): he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off http://tfl.nu/kmmo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

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  (843): Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck. http://tfl.nu/fj8t
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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  (406): Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you... http://tfl.nu/o96h
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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  (604): I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together http://tfl.nu/pe8s
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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  (418): I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC http://tfl.nu/grmc
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  (914): View more from New York

  2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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  (914): 2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay. http://tfl.nu/1m5k
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So did he inherit the massive family cock?

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  :(

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  (317): So did he inherit the massive family cock? (1-317): :( http://tfl.nu/a8a5
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  (714): View more from California

  You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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  (714): You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue! http://tfl.nu/dw09
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??

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  (580): Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come?? http://tfl.nu/rcqs
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  (323): View more from California

  Your cock deserves a montage

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  (323): Your cock deserves a montage http://tfl.nu/nty6
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  (310): View more from California

  I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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  (310): I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass http://tfl.nu/6152
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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  (206): She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me http://tfl.nu/zp1n
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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  (715): I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT. (1-715): PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING. (1-715): I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little. http://tfl.nu/04tj
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

  (239): View more from Florida

  that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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  (850): I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult. (239): that is the opposite of a normal text message. http://tfl.nu/cufq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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  (407): SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE http://tfl.nu/zlef
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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  (604): I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me. http://tfl.nu/gmo1
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

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  (412): its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more http://tfl.nu/r5j0
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I love you football head

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  (773): Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head. (1-773): I love you football head http://tfl.nu/y5ut
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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  (919): I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob http://tfl.nu/wd4x
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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  (863): I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life. http://tfl.nu/jtja
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

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  (978): Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own? http://tfl.nu/mi3t
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  (214): View more from Texas

  They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.

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  (214): They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday. http://tfl.nu/u6e3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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  (617): A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck? http://tfl.nu/zk7d
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Nope that was a dude

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  (651): Alls I remember is making out with that chick. (612): Nope that was a dude http://tfl.nu/9vd8
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  (925): View more from California

  You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.

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  (925): You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure. http://tfl.nu/nboc
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

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  (269): We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable. http://tfl.nu/14d9
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.

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  (920): Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience. http://tfl.nu/3t0z
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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  (813): Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier. http://tfl.nu/oqez
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  ... That's a shower caddy.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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  (541): You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever! (503): ... That's a shower caddy. (541): I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation. http://tfl.nu/svbx
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...

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  (605): I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD... http://tfl.nu/4wif
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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  (813): This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny. http://tfl.nu/7jk5
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.

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  (479): Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question. http://tfl.nu/6lny
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!

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  (907): I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?! http://tfl.nu/q90z
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  (425): View more from Washington

  OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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  (425): OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES? http://tfl.nu/syph
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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  (970): Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby. http://tfl.nu/d4tv
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  (585): View more from New York

  N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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  (585): N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/tsau
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.

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  (970): Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms. http://tfl.nu/abxe
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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  (210): Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together! http://tfl.nu/bu70
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.

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  (410): What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique. http://tfl.nu/znxz
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  (845): View more from New York

  Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?

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  (845): Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident? http://tfl.nu/4pg6
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.

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  (843): He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals. http://tfl.nu/0dw2
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You need a twittervention. You're better than this.

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  (978): You need a twittervention. You're better than this. http://tfl.nu/6sfs
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.

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  (704): Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention. http://tfl.nu/qqdz
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.

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  (807): She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other. http://tfl.nu/8wn6
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti

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  (610): We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature (610): Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti http://tfl.nu/iam9
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Olive Garden will never be the same.

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  (803): She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH" (864): Olive Garden will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/o2p7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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  (215): There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut. http://tfl.nu/e6c8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

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  (614): Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter http://tfl.nu/3fce
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire

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  (757): he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire http://tfl.nu/du1v
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  (760): View more from California

  The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

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  (760): The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter http://tfl.nu/uanv
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.

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  (502): You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1. http://tfl.nu/n49y
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.

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  (630): Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me. (1-630): Pulling out all the stops on being a lady. http://tfl.nu/6gwr
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

  (1+61): View more from

  Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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  (+61): I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover. (1+61): Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer. http://tfl.nu/so7s
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary

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  (917): I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary http://tfl.nu/znga
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  (682): View more from Texas

  She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.

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  (682): She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels. http://tfl.nu/oykt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

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  (773): Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass. http://tfl.nu/m2gp
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  (457): View more from

  Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though

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  (457): Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though http://tfl.nu/vzyv
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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  (641): If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics. http://tfl.nu/etl3
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  (972): View more from Texas

  He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.

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  (972): He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex. http://tfl.nu/pe6j
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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  (630): Congratulations on your lack of fetus. http://tfl.nu/ujd7
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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  (843): When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"... http://tfl.nu/sfou
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

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  (812): I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together. http://tfl.nu/6uns
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  (716): View more from New York

  He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

  (585): View more from New York

  Find him and marry him.

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  (716): He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night. (585): Find him and marry him. http://tfl.nu/d6kn
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  It's a journey

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  And the destination is his penis?

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Precisely.

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  (907): It's a journey (1-907): And the destination is his penis? (907): Precisely. http://tfl.nu/ln5a
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.

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  (920): i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat" (763): and this is why you're my favorite gay friend. http://tfl.nu/djrx
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  (760): View more from California

  I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.

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  (760): I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death. http://tfl.nu/3p5q
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.

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  (207): He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug. http://tfl.nu/cbeo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

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  (617): I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable http://tfl.nu/uhd1
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  (518): View more from New York

  Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair

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  (518): Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair http://tfl.nu/llhv
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I want to own their dicks and all the attachments

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  (210): I want to own their dicks and all the attachments http://tfl.nu/6rti
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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  (402): I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men. http://tfl.nu/t0j9
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.

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  (907): When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President. http://tfl.nu/0joq
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.

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  (919): Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend. http://tfl.nu/ea08
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way

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  (563): it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way http://tfl.nu/kc5u
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

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  (505): I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory... http://tfl.nu/vjel
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You live a charmed life.

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  (848): Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left. (732): You live a charmed life. http://tfl.nu/9usd
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!

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  (815): I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!! http://tfl.nu/xnab
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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  (563): I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word. http://tfl.nu/iv5v
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.

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  (563): Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory. http://tfl.nu/lh6g
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?

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  (830): I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy? http://tfl.nu/wl4s
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  (406): View more from Montana

  My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls

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  (406): My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls http://tfl.nu/ydwq
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

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  (734): So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know. http://tfl.nu/o6il
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

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  (508): Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess. http://tfl.nu/kvya
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.

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  (740): We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well. http://tfl.nu/ojjo
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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  (304): I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale http://tfl.nu/3k6s
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  (585): View more from New York

  You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.

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  (585): You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you. http://tfl.nu/gcz1
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

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  (412): I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER http://tfl.nu/g992
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.

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  (260): The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible. http://tfl.nu/nj7i
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

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  (804): I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin. http://tfl.nu/8mge
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.

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  (712): I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray. http://tfl.nu/8ri0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco

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  (850): My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco http://tfl.nu/szsc
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

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  (229): She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather. http://tfl.nu/lq1l
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  (718): View more from New York

  this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican

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  (718): this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican http://tfl.nu/utxh
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.

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  (267): I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten. http://tfl.nu/d8ik
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

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  (443): I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD! http://tfl.nu/k4l1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.

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  (480): Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night. http://tfl.nu/4efw
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.

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  (321): Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever. http://tfl.nu/zuk0
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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  (586): Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband. http://tfl.nu/u4p0
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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  (563): You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar. http://tfl.nu/9hcy
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  (707): View more from California

  He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.

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  (707): He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed. http://tfl.nu/sv05
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

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  (214): Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask. http://tfl.nu/3wq6
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'

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  (514): MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.' http://tfl.nu/5zwe
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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  (214): I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick. http://tfl.nu/4v25
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Do you know how to give stiches?

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  I do not...this text concerns me

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  (612): Do you know how to give stiches? (1-612): I do not...this text concerns me http://tfl.nu/8jm1
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  (818): View more from California

  Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."

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  (818): Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right." http://tfl.nu/w7y1
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula

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  (702): Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems (702): I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula http://tfl.nu/2l23
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?

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  (443): This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled? http://tfl.nu/awza
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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  (617): Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee. http://tfl.nu/9xkv
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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  (616): But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" http://tfl.nu/95zk
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  (951): View more from California

  I'm sorry I peed on your everything.

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  (951): I'm sorry I peed on your everything. http://tfl.nu/ktzg
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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  (615): I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls. (1-615): Who in tha hell do u hang out with? http://tfl.nu/cxra
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  (206): View more from Washington

  when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

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  (206): when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other. http://tfl.nu/no1k
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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  (860): My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church. (1-860): I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life. http://tfl.nu/n824
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.

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  (920): I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine. http://tfl.nu/elnb
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.

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  (850): I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here. http://tfl.nu/dms5
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good

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  (860): Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum (1-860): I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good http://tfl.nu/bjb1
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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  (402): THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO http://tfl.nu/qx0l
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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  (413): Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?! http://tfl.nu/jygw
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.

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  (502): got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood. http://tfl.nu/bzvq
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  (209): View more from California

  I will pee on everything he values.

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  (209): I will pee on everything he values. http://tfl.nu/vmpd
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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  (204): I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL. http://tfl.nu/e718
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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  (402): Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right. http://tfl.nu/g2lt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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  (970): I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me (970): Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere http://tfl.nu/25bl
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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  (914): I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all. http://tfl.nu/vbbe
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  (415): View more from California

  Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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  (415): Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups. http://tfl.nu/od5l
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

  (712): View more from Iowa

  What's an angry pirate?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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  (702): I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again. (712): What's an angry pirate? (702): You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever. http://tfl.nu/pzvl
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.

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  (313): When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand. http://tfl.nu/rx8e
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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  (401): Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen? http://tfl.nu/0v6w
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?

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  (731): There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight? http://tfl.nu/39pd
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.

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  (209): I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow. http://tfl.nu/kya1
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.

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  (860): So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled. http://tfl.nu/ouz2
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises

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  (336): I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises http://tfl.nu/6oog
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  (805): View more from California

  The air was thick with penises

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  (805): The air was thick with penises http://tfl.nu/1iew
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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  (610): you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away. http://tfl.nu/v47s
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  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?

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  (770): Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier? http://tfl.nu/rucv
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.

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  (601): Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers. http://tfl.nu/38v9
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

  (315): View more from New York

  I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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  (607): I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now (315): I see you're taking unemployment seriously. http://tfl.nu/5xru
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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  (480): It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood. http://tfl.nu/ktz5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm not seeing this movie with you.

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  (405): VAGINAS ASSEMBLE! (580): I'm not seeing this movie with you. http://tfl.nu/6pon
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?

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  (541): Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am? http://tfl.nu/ak1s
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?

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  (410): What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots? http://tfl.nu/z5fp
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.

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  (641): Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit. http://tfl.nu/0tmo
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  (716): View more from New York

  this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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  (716): this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon http://tfl.nu/3rl3
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  (914): View more from New York

  I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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  (914): I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements. http://tfl.nu/p1je
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Dude what the fuck...

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  (502): I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer. (330): Dude what the fuck... http://tfl.nu/hphb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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  (215): I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory... (1-215): just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!" http://tfl.nu/238t
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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  (207): Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other... http://tfl.nu/529q
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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  (617): pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle. http://tfl.nu/r2o0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

  (210): View more from Texas

  No

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  (512): Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool (210): No http://tfl.nu/m5ry
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore. 

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  (318): Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.  http://tfl.nu/j2xa
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302

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  (828): No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry (828): Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302 http://tfl.nu/twph
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.

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  (480): library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch. http://tfl.nu/phk6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

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  (972): I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy. http://tfl.nu/nung
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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  (517): winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito. http://tfl.nu/1g88
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  (718): View more from New York

  Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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  (718): Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up. http://tfl.nu/gzqi
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  (407): View more from Florida

  For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.

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  (407): For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it. http://tfl.nu/uopt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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  (810): Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable http://tfl.nu/3me5
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  (646): View more from New York

  How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.

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  (646): How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope. http://tfl.nu/0uer
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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  (773): WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY. http://tfl.nu/ad4l
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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  (919): being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her. http://tfl.nu/7get
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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  (+44): It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over. http://tfl.nu/6ffz
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"

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  (814): Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose" http://tfl.nu/62vb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??

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  (405): That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number?? http://tfl.nu/hwoq
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body

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  (440): I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body http://tfl.nu/gs9m
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  .....a litte

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  (302): are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life (860): .....a litte http://tfl.nu/slo9
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.

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  (573): I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days. (573): Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven. http://tfl.nu/oqxt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you

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  (217): You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you http://tfl.nu/uqrj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies

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  (503): I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies http://tfl.nu/wv5q
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I still make more money.

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  (817): Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions. (214): I still make more money. http://tfl.nu/pibf
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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  (219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell. http://tfl.nu/9drc
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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  (615): The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy http://tfl.nu/u49d
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.

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  (215): bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista. http://tfl.nu/gval
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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  (703): I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM http://tfl.nu/jp0v
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  (713): View more from Texas

  just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!

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  (713): just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success! http://tfl.nu/u8oi
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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  (920): YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN! http://tfl.nu/7v2u
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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  (315): I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors http://tfl.nu/1c0w
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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  (303): You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories. http://tfl.nu/6f6h
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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  (616): Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/i5nq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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  (407): Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people. http://tfl.nu/19v1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?

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  (301): Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed? http://tfl.nu/ow4j
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  (845): View more from New York

  Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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  (845): Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share. http://tfl.nu/wq4n
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  (415): View more from California

  Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.

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  (415): Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that. http://tfl.nu/2d02
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?

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  (228): I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL? http://tfl.nu/0gju
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  (530): View more from California

  Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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  (530): Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon. http://tfl.nu/gqwa
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.

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  (586): So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER. http://tfl.nu/hlts
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.

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  (703): I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you. http://tfl.nu/i8ov
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  (661): View more from California

  Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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  (661): Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room http://tfl.nu/4z49
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent

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  (651): Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent http://tfl.nu/399q
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!

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  (423): You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!! http://tfl.nu/8r5y
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  (760): View more from California

  I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.

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  (760): I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional. http://tfl.nu/8oha
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  (914): View more from New York

  All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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  (914): All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore. http://tfl.nu/ai56
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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  (918): I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever. http://tfl.nu/j10b
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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  (304): She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life? http://tfl.nu/58z3
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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  (336): The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge http://tfl.nu/ygw7
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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  (647): so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together. http://tfl.nu/0wgb
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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  (256): OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE http://tfl.nu/qfju
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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  (225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

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  (902): Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often http://tfl.nu/p8eg
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  (806): View more from Texas

  It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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  (806): It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation. (1-806): It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that. http://tfl.nu/9jn5
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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  (970): Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears? http://tfl.nu/m0sz
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

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  (514): He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT? http://tfl.nu/isnk
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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  (502): I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink" http://tfl.nu/1myn
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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  (802): shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots. http://tfl.nu/6u08
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  (281): View more from Texas

  And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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  (281): And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways. http://tfl.nu/b6k4
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

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  (785): God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr. http://tfl.nu/5tpq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.

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  (973): He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me. http://tfl.nu/2l9a
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  (760): View more from California

  My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?

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  (760): My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going? http://tfl.nu/5t69
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.

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  (314): I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise. http://tfl.nu/47tp
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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  (706): He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories. http://tfl.nu/ce15
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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  (904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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  (816): Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays. http://tfl.nu/c3h2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.

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  (412): Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever. http://tfl.nu/jfd9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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  (513): Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/y1zp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.

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  (503): Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here. http://tfl.nu/jknc
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  (949): View more from California

  'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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  (949): 'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear http://tfl.nu/1b4e
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.

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  (610): its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate. http://tfl.nu/xmo4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

  (323): View more from California

  yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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  (215): yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter (323): yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake http://tfl.nu/wu9k
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  how did you know?

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  (330): hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something? (614): is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'? (330): how did you know? http://tfl.nu/tzki
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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  (360): he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously http://tfl.nu/w3a5
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  (212): View more from New York

  When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.

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  (212): When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too. http://tfl.nu/4mqk
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them

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  (970): I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them http://tfl.nu/6llp
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?

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  (719): Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I? http://tfl.nu/9iuq
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.

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  (215): There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions. http://tfl.nu/xynj
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  (518): View more from New York

  We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical 

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  (518): We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical  http://tfl.nu/e1go
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  This is love.

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

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  (413): This is love. (860): Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party? http://tfl.nu/8lic
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

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  (248): I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery. (1-248): I think we should measure in "bathtubs" http://tfl.nu/kzc7
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.

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  (229): I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party. http://tfl.nu/127h
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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  (773): Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important. http://tfl.nu/scnm
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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  (541): Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face http://tfl.nu/zdd8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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  (978): Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus. http://tfl.nu/c88k
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.

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  (843): You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in. http://tfl.nu/9ftp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.

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  (630): Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head. http://tfl.nu/xpy4
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  That was beautiful.

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  (775): True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate. (1-775): That was beautiful. http://tfl.nu/d63d
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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  (651): Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it. http://tfl.nu/j2gr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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  (917): hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog. http://tfl.nu/99w0
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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  (+44): Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know http://tfl.nu/1326
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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  (870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth (1-870): I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come http://tfl.nu/shj4
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

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  (214): I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship http://tfl.nu/dbjp
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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  (540): AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA http://tfl.nu/16eo
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.

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  (401): I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan. http://tfl.nu/w9o4
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.

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  (417): Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently. http://tfl.nu/jfkc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i want to face-plant into her vagina

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  (617): theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot (617): i want to face-plant into her vagina http://tfl.nu/1iml
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.

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  (814): Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark. http://tfl.nu/ixe0
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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  (316): Listen to me plotting my whoredom. http://tfl.nu/l2mq
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...

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  (214): Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake... http://tfl.nu/n6e9
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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  (262): I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole. http://tfl.nu/sdc1
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now

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  (204): I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now http://tfl.nu/tcbl
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  (325): View more from Texas

  You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...

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  (325): You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis... http://tfl.nu/1zk4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  How do you feel?

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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  (970): How do you feel? (1-970): Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again. http://tfl.nu/th8n
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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  (860): I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens http://tfl.nu/onsn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

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  (201): she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested http://tfl.nu/bnqm
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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  (802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel. http://tfl.nu/xk67
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

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  (623): Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too http://tfl.nu/3dvb
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