The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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