Texts From Last Night

millertime89's Favorites Texts:

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  (845): View more from New York

  Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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  (845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg
  Replies (33) Good night (10233) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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  (661): Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head. http://tfl.nu/dct5
  Replies (11) Good night (2535) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

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  (407): Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck. http://tfl.nu/ldxl
  Replies (14) Good night (179) Bad night (1270) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

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  (937): I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart. http://tfl.nu/okmj
  Replies (15) Good night (1214) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.

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  (404): I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks. http://tfl.nu/r45q
  Replies (12) Good night (1057) Bad night (169) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

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  (516): Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down http://tfl.nu/5kb0
  Replies (4) Good night (341) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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  (337): Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell? (913): I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space. http://tfl.nu/aqjc
  Replies (14) Good night (1492) Bad night (211)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'

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  (+61): it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride' http://tfl.nu/25m4
  Replies (4) Good night (955) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.

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  (816): Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion. http://tfl.nu/6cof
  Replies (9) Good night (643) Bad night (509)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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  (904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
  Replies (8) Good night (1627) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  By a pack of ravenous dildos

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  (615): Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right? (1-615): By a pack of ravenous dildos http://tfl.nu/hx21
  Replies (3) Good night (1511) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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  (+44): I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina. http://tfl.nu/fp84
  Replies (20) Good night (1461) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (2946) Bad night (177)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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  (206): But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness. http://tfl.nu/0ech
  Replies (13) Good night (2332) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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  (209): Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way. http://tfl.nu/s3aa
  Replies (5) Good night (1277) Bad night (151)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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  (914): Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon. http://tfl.nu/php8
  Replies (7) Good night (1419) Bad night (134) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (2980) Bad night (403)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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  (419): Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate? (1-419): Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly. http://tfl.nu/ok5v
  Replies (18) Good night (2549) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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  (850): I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend. http://tfl.nu/659e
  Replies (11) Good night (1881) Bad night (138) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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  (315): If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one". http://tfl.nu/zydx
  Replies (6) Good night (1368) Bad night (336)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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  (810): Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable http://tfl.nu/3me5
  Replies (6) Good night (2531) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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  (517): I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice" http://tfl.nu/f86r
  Replies (39) Good night (675) Bad night (5924) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

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  (202): When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle. (202): We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon http://tfl.nu/62rc
  Replies (6) Good night (1076) Bad night (212)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.

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  (515): I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor. http://tfl.nu/c5bv
  Replies (12) Good night (1358) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?

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  (770): He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days? http://tfl.nu/yt8d
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  (845): View more from New York

  Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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  (845): Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share. http://tfl.nu/wq4n
  Replies (7) Good night (1667) Bad night (722)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.

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  (703): I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you. http://tfl.nu/i8ov
  Replies (5) Good night (1078) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel

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  (309): he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel http://tfl.nu/08pr
  Replies (8) Good night (958) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.

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  (614): Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm. http://tfl.nu/3dw9
  Replies (21) Good night (1502) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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  (617): Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory. http://tfl.nu/p9v1
  Replies (11) Good night (1586) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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  (931): I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here http://tfl.nu/mh8f
  Replies (4) Good night (1715) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

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  (224): I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store. http://tfl.nu/th0h
  Replies (57) Good night (1103) Bad night (2169) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did it work?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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  (918): I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over. (336): Did it work? (918): Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door. http://tfl.nu/swzf
  Replies (8) Good night (2477) Bad night (205)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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  (941): I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant. http://tfl.nu/bzfq
  Replies (11) Good night (1168) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (5599) Bad night (295)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

  (1-432): View more from Texas

  Erry day erry day!

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  (432): 3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life. (1-432): Erry day erry day! http://tfl.nu/wghw
  Replies (19) Good night (1509) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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  (248): Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date? http://tfl.nu/49q5
  Replies (11) Good night (2065) Bad night (484)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm hungry

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex

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  (215): I'm hungry (1-215): Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex http://tfl.nu/pt2l
  Replies (4) Good night (1636) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2452) Bad night (656)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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  (318): Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head. http://tfl.nu/6vvp
  Replies (7) Good night (1730) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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  (225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw
  Replies (4) Good night (2099) Bad night (579)
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

  (1-985): View more from Louisiana

  Do I have a choice?

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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  (985): Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response. (1-985): Do I have a choice? (985): I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again. http://tfl.nu/kt0k
  Replies (13) Good night (2345) Bad night (274)
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  (914): View more from New York

  If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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  (914): If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run. http://tfl.nu/cpd8
  Replies (2) Good night (1191) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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  (940): He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts. http://tfl.nu/9w8s
  Replies (11) Good night (2431) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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  (914): All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore. http://tfl.nu/ai56
  Replies (5) Good night (2516) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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  (407): Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore. http://tfl.nu/4mr1
  Replies (23) Good night (1931) Bad night (661)
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  (310): View more from California

  Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.

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  (310): Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack. http://tfl.nu/hyp4
  Replies (6) Good night (359) Bad night (1096) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.

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  (780): Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex. http://tfl.nu/0kw1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, that was you

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  (215): Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick? (215): Yeah, that was you http://tfl.nu/rydz
  Replies (7) Good night (2424) Bad night (544)
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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  (567): She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs http://tfl.nu/brto
  Replies (9) Good night (2180) Bad night (206) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.

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  (602): If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for. http://tfl.nu/540a
  Replies (17) Good night (1421) Bad night (220)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i want to face-plant into her vagina

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  (617): theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot (617): i want to face-plant into her vagina http://tfl.nu/1iml
  Replies (9) Good night (2145) Bad night (302)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.

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  (608): I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh. http://tfl.nu/0i8s
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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  (250): I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all. http://tfl.nu/5qpa
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

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  (757): I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass. http://tfl.nu/p1y3
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me

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  (712): We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me http://tfl.nu/ga08
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  what about money

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  no - he has a code he lives by

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  (610): they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n (484): what about money (610): no - he has a code he lives by http://tfl.nu/tp7q
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  (661): View more from California

  I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.

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  (661): I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere. http://tfl.nu/qnta
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  (916): View more from California

  No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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  (916): No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace. http://tfl.nu/5hw2
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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  (908): You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over http://tfl.nu/or3u
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

  (941): View more from Florida

  I was attacked by whores

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

  (941): View more from Florida

  They were strong whores

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  (609): How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club? (941): I was attacked by whores (609): You threw up on yourself again didn't you? (941): They were strong whores http://tfl.nu/xoz8
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

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  (403): All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/dlqr
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.

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  (507): Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization. http://tfl.nu/k6sn
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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  (202): She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums. http://tfl.nu/4fck
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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  (201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME. http://tfl.nu/tcyr
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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  (306): Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out? http://tfl.nu/y1by
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  (310): View more from California

  My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

  (323): View more from California

  If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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  (310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity." (323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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  (304): Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you http://tfl.nu/fgii
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  (559): View more from California

  Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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  (559): Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes http://tfl.nu/dyqg
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation

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  (319): ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation http://tfl.nu/4iz3
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  (518): View more from New York

  I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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  (518): I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them. http://tfl.nu/sunc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.

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  (303): we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks. http://tfl.nu/6rdh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

  (281): View more from Texas

  If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

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  (214): Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex? (281): If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy! http://tfl.nu/0a5o
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.

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  (603): the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me. http://tfl.nu/iz0f
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day

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  (240): Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day http://tfl.nu/21po
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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  (515): It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful. http://tfl.nu/3wbb
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  (772): View more from Florida

  So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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  (772): So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me. http://tfl.nu/5rwa
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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  (812): Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs. http://tfl.nu/yev1
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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  (808): And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up. http://tfl.nu/dab6
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

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  (214): Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time. http://tfl.nu/18ab
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"

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  (252): I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong" http://tfl.nu/l3k0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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  (732): Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help. http://tfl.nu/m3q1
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

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  (518): Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play http://tfl.nu/j01d
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.

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  (316): This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python. http://tfl.nu/dk7h
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

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  (507): he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day. http://tfl.nu/m5g5
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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  (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up? http://tfl.nu/08g9
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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  (603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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  (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.

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  (641): What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore. http://tfl.nu/icvy
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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  (352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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  (617): Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council. http://tfl.nu/w0zb
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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  (774): If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?" (774): It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?" http://tfl.nu/cbil
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?

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  (904): Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already? http://tfl.nu/3n3w
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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  (314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you. http://tfl.nu/pksa
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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  (305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  At least you have booty calls.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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  (901): At least you have booty calls. (1-901): True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china http://tfl.nu/6dg2
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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  (605): I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming. http://tfl.nu/djrq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (348): View more from

  Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

  (1-348): View more from

  You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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  (348): Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place. (1-348): You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion. http://tfl.nu/i2j4
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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  (604): If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob. (604): And by one day I mean once every two weeks. http://tfl.nu/w0wa
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  (631): View more from New York

  I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.

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  (631): I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis. http://tfl.nu/wmkv
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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  (267): In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards. (267): You should probably take note of that and make it happen. http://tfl.nu/k5f3
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How did you even find out?

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Oh.

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  (973): How did you even find out? (1-973): Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom." (973): Oh. http://tfl.nu/227x
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Slutty, slutty tools.

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  (507): You used the best tools you had at your disposal. (651): Slutty, slutty tools. http://tfl.nu/m6kb
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  (646): View more from New York

  How was the rest of your night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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  (646): How was the rest of your night? (917): A little fuzzy and a lot naked. http://tfl.nu/r63c
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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  (321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical. http://tfl.nu/ps02
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.

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  (970): I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly. http://tfl.nu/vykw
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

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  (303): I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted. http://tfl.nu/7vqn
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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  (903): Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ? http://tfl.nu/d8rt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob

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  (440): I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob http://tfl.nu/pg2m
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...

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  (717): And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv... http://tfl.nu/8bd5
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  (408): View more from California

  She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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  (408): She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety http://tfl.nu/edsh
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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  (216): Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself. http://tfl.nu/3gaw
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

  (216): View more from Ohio

  There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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  (216): I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit (216): There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash. http://tfl.nu/emo5
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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  (641): Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone http://tfl.nu/y7a4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

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  (304): You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls. http://tfl.nu/z9o6
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

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  (812): I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy. http://tfl.nu/z5fr
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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  (575): You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/h3k6
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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  (856): i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong http://tfl.nu/5qbx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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  (630): But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them http://tfl.nu/vxlz
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  Dick in a box?

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  (757): Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm (1-757): Dick in a box? http://tfl.nu/x7sn
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  (631): View more from New York

  if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

  (516): View more from New York

  .org?

  (631): View more from New York

  yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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  (631): if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org (516): .org? (631): yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night. http://tfl.nu/4hpr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.

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  (919): Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side. http://tfl.nu/vqy8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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  (517): I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/qnhv
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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  (860): at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!" http://tfl.nu/hob5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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  (303): who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make http://tfl.nu/gmr8
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  (916): View more from California

  How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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  (916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids. (1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions. http://tfl.nu/28ax
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  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
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  (716): View more from New York

  When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."

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  (716): When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex." http://tfl.nu/1pf1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  6 min

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  (215): what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers (1-215): 6 min http://tfl.nu/dx1s
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.

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  (515): there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up. (1-515): yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that. http://tfl.nu/isva
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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  (662): She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list. http://tfl.nu/gj4y
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.

  (407): View more from Florida

  Bro? You just made it a target.

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  (407): Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy. (1-407): Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far. (407): Bro? You just made it a target. http://tfl.nu/0hg2
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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  (478): You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable (318): You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call. http://tfl.nu/575v
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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  (224): I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania http://tfl.nu/5wck
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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  (509): Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom http://tfl.nu/fom9
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor

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  (580): There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor http://tfl.nu/zpbq
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina

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  (813): Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina http://tfl.nu/thir
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  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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  (304): Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea. http://tfl.nu/ejed
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
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  (845): View more from New York

  if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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  (845): if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party http://tfl.nu/vtss
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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  (847): He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited. http://tfl.nu/2tlf
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.

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  (317): He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. http://tfl.nu/b8h5
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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  (862): He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking http://tfl.nu/6gnv
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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  (618): I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas. http://tfl.nu/yx8c
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

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  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.

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  (443): There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse. http://tfl.nu/gbkz
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  (619): View more from California

  After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.

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  (619): After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation. http://tfl.nu/dnza
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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  (206): Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :) http://tfl.nu/j8zz
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean

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  (715): He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean http://tfl.nu/eek7
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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  (724): I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed. (412): I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am http://tfl.nu/5n3j
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

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  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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  (248): My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment. http://tfl.nu/qz9q
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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  (207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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  (413): Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option) http://tfl.nu/d3t6
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  (408): View more from California

  Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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  (408): Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission http://tfl.nu/3kcn
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  (650): View more from California

  Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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  (650): Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it http://tfl.nu/zs3i
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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  (303): What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad. http://tfl.nu/nd1v
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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  (313): I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina http://tfl.nu/zo54
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.

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  (513): College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester. http://tfl.nu/dsii
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester

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  (770): My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester http://tfl.nu/20yd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk

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  (847): First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/kqu6
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  (716): View more from New York

  just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

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  (716): just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night http://tfl.nu/yn86
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

  (773): View more from Illinois

  yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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  (708): is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro (773): yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house. (708): how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience? http://tfl.nu/hgr9
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.

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  (774): Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep. http://tfl.nu/pcyk
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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  (210): Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors. http://tfl.nu/4w9v
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
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  (408): View more from California

  I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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  (408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/0k63
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  (512): View more from Texas

  her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  you motherfucker

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  (512): her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening" (1-512): you motherfucker http://tfl.nu/runr
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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  (202): Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis http://tfl.nu/68pm
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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  (301): Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip. http://tfl.nu/7yby
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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  (217): Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out http://tfl.nu/2vfe
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
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  (916): View more from California

  God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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  (916): God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines. http://tfl.nu/isnh
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  (916): View more from California

  Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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  (916): Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash http://tfl.nu/rtwe
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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  (780): Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it... http://tfl.nu/howp
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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  (412): New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move... http://tfl.nu/y03w
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  (408): View more from California

  sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.

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  (408): sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here. http://tfl.nu/d4g6
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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  (775): She called to say she's single and blow job season is back. http://tfl.nu/ndvl
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.

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  (479): I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again. http://tfl.nu/mmc2
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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  (505): Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening. http://tfl.nu/2dkx
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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  (757): We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather. http://tfl.nu/kdej
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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  (601): She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs. http://tfl.nu/rhuf
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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  (228): Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis. http://tfl.nu/q40e
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.

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  (206): Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have. http://tfl.nu/w5t0
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

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  (859): If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference. http://tfl.nu/hvve
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Your friend and I already don't get along

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  (404): I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend. (734): Your friend and I already don't get along http://tfl.nu/d3pe
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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  (719): Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room http://tfl.nu/c34s
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  (310): View more from California

  I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

  (310): View more from California

  Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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  (310): I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.* (310): Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche. http://tfl.nu/gxdj
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

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  (507): So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent. http://tfl.nu/5yqd
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore

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  (910): He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore http://tfl.nu/tias
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex

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  (226): This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex http://tfl.nu/70co
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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  (773): I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her. http://tfl.nu/gidh
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash

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  (857): They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash http://tfl.nu/jeu8
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.

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  (701): From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend. http://tfl.nu/i20e
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though

  (289): View more from Ontario

  Lolll I'll be sleeping

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.

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  (905): I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though (289): Lolll I'll be sleeping (905): I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town. http://tfl.nu/s1jf
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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  (206): Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional. http://tfl.nu/t1vf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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  (404): I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/16j0
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.

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  (302): Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one. http://tfl.nu/7sz8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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  (541): Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached. http://tfl.nu/gtou
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  (565): View more from

  It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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  (565): It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/u0lc
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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  (248): you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits http://tfl.nu/vmd3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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  (+44): I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God http://tfl.nu/m4vw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Like Teddy Roosevelt

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  (203): I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads (1-203): Like Teddy Roosevelt http://tfl.nu/jrby
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

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  (717): It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards. http://tfl.nu/wgpg
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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  (360): Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck http://tfl.nu/w3fd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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  (201): Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium. http://tfl.nu/lfpo
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

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  (513): I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass. http://tfl.nu/kvfi
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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  (936): I swallowed for you. Answer the phone. http://tfl.nu/f04x
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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  (412): I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it http://tfl.nu/mg8o
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  (206): View more from Washington

  In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.

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  (206): In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/voq5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.

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  (401): just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point. http://tfl.nu/mbzv
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

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  (416): Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science http://tfl.nu/y3kb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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  (412): At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that. http://tfl.nu/pr0e
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  (530): View more from California

  Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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  (530): Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine http://tfl.nu/asqo
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  (707): View more from California

  And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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  (707): And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa http://tfl.nu/9onc
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

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  (302): My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever. http://tfl.nu/lkx6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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  (604): Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not. http://tfl.nu/n7ii
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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  (313): First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina http://tfl.nu/jm59
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.

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  (703): Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge. http://tfl.nu/w6ag
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.

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  (724): I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way. http://tfl.nu/vhtx
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too

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  (608): The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too http://tfl.nu/q1xa
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  (530): View more from California

  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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  (202): My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about. (202): Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ. http://tfl.nu/wtju
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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  (314): If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die. http://tfl.nu/75m1
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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  (859): I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue http://tfl.nu/ia6b
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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  (775): he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me. http://tfl.nu/rwrr
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  (325): View more from Texas

  The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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  (325): The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her. http://tfl.nu/fi1h
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i just like, need to vent to someone

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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  (910): i just like, need to vent to someone (919): Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you? http://tfl.nu/t3kk
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?

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  (732): like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers? http://tfl.nu/ohng
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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  (417): How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave? http://tfl.nu/9xty
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  (714): View more from California

  Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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  (714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz
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  (516): View more from New York

  Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs

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  (516): Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs http://tfl.nu/6o6j
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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  (412): I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms http://tfl.nu/sbef
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  (619): View more from California

  His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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  (619): His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar. http://tfl.nu/lyc1
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.

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  (216): I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession. http://tfl.nu/2xsf
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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  (570): i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition. http://tfl.nu/mkq9
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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  (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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  (775): Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls (702): Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter http://tfl.nu/jyvi
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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  (519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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  (425): I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid. http://tfl.nu/1sxi
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!

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  (980): I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!! http://tfl.nu/427k
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  (305): View more from Florida

  he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.

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  (305): he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad. http://tfl.nu/2uqd
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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  (773): NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU. http://tfl.nu/h1az
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

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  (905): It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on http://tfl.nu/h715
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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  (519): Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it. http://tfl.nu/tzzv
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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  (309): remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him.. http://tfl.nu/o0zu
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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  (215): It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right? http://tfl.nu/00h0
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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  (708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love http://tfl.nu/30hf
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  (209): View more from California

  His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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  (209): His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that. http://tfl.nu/z9b7
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.

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  (574): If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time. http://tfl.nu/3esg
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  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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  (340): I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen. http://tfl.nu/cees
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  (406): View more from Montana

  you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

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  (406): you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob http://tfl.nu/ha8t
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  (435): View more from Utah

  he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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  (435): he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?! http://tfl.nu/3uuq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...

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  (256): The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving... http://tfl.nu/0z2j
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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  (407): I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity. http://tfl.nu/5ec6
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  (714): View more from California

  My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin

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  (714): My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin http://tfl.nu/22om
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

  (416): View more from Toronto

  That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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  (416): I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him". (416): That's about an "8" on normal scales. http://tfl.nu/joyf
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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  (410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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  (504): Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed. http://tfl.nu/fl8o
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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  (785): You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina. http://tfl.nu/6dr6
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.

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  (402): Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god. http://tfl.nu/igq7
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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  (208): I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind. http://tfl.nu/h3pw
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.

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  (832): And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/hp91
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  (707): View more from California

  He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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  (707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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  (419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj
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  (801): View more from Utah

  On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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  (801): On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box? http://tfl.nu/cd3c
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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  (970): You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done. http://tfl.nu/za6g
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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  (517): Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school.... http://tfl.nu/i9vj
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.

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  (570): He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander. http://tfl.nu/mcls
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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  (307): Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt. http://tfl.nu/gd2e
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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  (780): I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815. http://tfl.nu/p37f
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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  (419): I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass http://tfl.nu/s4so
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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  (502): She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage.... http://tfl.nu/ha8c
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.

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  (701): so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick. http://tfl.nu/5ub0
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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  (575): Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night? http://tfl.nu/drd1
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (530): View more from California

  for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

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  (530): for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/et1w
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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  (803): There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together... http://tfl.nu/sic1
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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  (812): theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/gou5
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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  (540): Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis http://tfl.nu/8a3h
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  (760): View more from California

  if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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  (760): if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel http://tfl.nu/4p3k
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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  (678): I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits http://tfl.nu/9nme
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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  (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places http://tfl.nu/q4g8
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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  (757): i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too . http://tfl.nu/0v5g
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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  (810): There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing http://tfl.nu/i1k5
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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  (217): i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here http://tfl.nu/dmaq
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

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  (484): the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished. http://tfl.nu/p2b9
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (863): View more from Florida

  In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

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  (863): In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us http://tfl.nu/7cnb
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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  (815): It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina. http://tfl.nu/o9qo
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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  (870): It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina http://tfl.nu/15cg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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  (203): Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed. http://tfl.nu/aqi9
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  (716): View more from New York

  my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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  (716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in? http://tfl.nu/3561
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  we already have meals planned for the weekend.

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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  (864): we already have meals planned for the weekend. (1-864): SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL. http://tfl.nu/xo3s
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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  (970): I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision. http://tfl.nu/ny2a
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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  (240): Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic. http://tfl.nu/gchg
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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  (423): I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit. http://tfl.nu/4gp7
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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  (832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/ohwe
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  (516): View more from New York

  he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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  (516): he has the hands of the vagina gods. http://tfl.nu/xhgv
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

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  (612): The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable. http://tfl.nu/wu9y
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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  (636): she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina http://tfl.nu/0ynp
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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  (979): Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction. http://tfl.nu/hu5n
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

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  (970): they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother http://tfl.nu/e7je
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

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  (267): Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone" http://tfl.nu/ni9u
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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  (519): She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has http://tfl.nu/fgce
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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  (941): Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship. http://tfl.nu/y8rh
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  (903): View more from Texas

  She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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  (903): She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch". http://tfl.nu/00r2
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  (845): View more from New York

  Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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  (845): Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there. http://tfl.nu/s3qt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

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  (801): He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick. http://tfl.nu/gyi3
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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  (734): we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas (810): I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick" http://tfl.nu/jn94
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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  (973): You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later? http://tfl.nu/a1oo
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  (631): View more from New York

  Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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  (631): Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it" http://tfl.nu/tnve
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  (516): View more from New York

  my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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  (516): my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now http://tfl.nu/4n6q
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  (516): View more from New York

  Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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  (516): Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system http://tfl.nu/i7jp
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
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  (646): View more from New York

  Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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  (646): Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going? http://tfl.nu/kahl
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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  (720): the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis http://tfl.nu/41ot
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  (650): View more from California

  I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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  (650): I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program. http://tfl.nu/1rj5
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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  (317): Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good. http://tfl.nu/6afw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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  (480): From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him. http://tfl.nu/9mdh
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

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  (773): I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech. http://tfl.nu/9arc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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  (513): i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week. http://tfl.nu/8le3
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
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  (716): View more from New York

  I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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  (716): I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together. http://tfl.nu/l7kg
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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  (952): So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building http://tfl.nu/qsqb
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

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  (712): We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this. http://tfl.nu/g847
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends

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  (905): dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends http://tfl.nu/gaeo
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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  (636): It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference. http://tfl.nu/wkzw
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  (347): View more from New York

  She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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  (347): She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her http://tfl.nu/h5zu
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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  (612): He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?" http://tfl.nu/lotk
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers

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  (252): I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers http://tfl.nu/269f
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  (518): View more from New York

  I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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  (518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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  (403): I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass http://tfl.nu/mda2
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  (949): View more from California

  is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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  (949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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  (919): Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform." http://tfl.nu/nw1x
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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  (804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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  (712): He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him. http://tfl.nu/xqld
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  (813): View more from Florida

  There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.

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  (813): There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet. http://tfl.nu/6irr
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  (786): View more from Florida

  Thats something to write home to mom about

  (305): View more from Florida

  Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

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  (786): Thats something to write home to mom about (305): Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her http://tfl.nu/y6ih
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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  (978): Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick? http://tfl.nu/mjo7
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra

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  (240): Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra http://tfl.nu/fzzx
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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  (860): I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name. http://tfl.nu/83o9
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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  (404): What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs. http://tfl.nu/w7nv
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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  (303): other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do http://tfl.nu/c5r9
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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  (717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9" http://tfl.nu/v0g1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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  (203): my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus. http://tfl.nu/bisy
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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  (443): I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch? http://tfl.nu/v0c3
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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  (860): i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis. http://tfl.nu/7xur
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  (858): View more from California

  God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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  (858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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  (248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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  (573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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  (484): Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/6dfu
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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  (708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic. http://tfl.nu/b2ov
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  (310): View more from California

  It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

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  (310): It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass... http://tfl.nu/egbe
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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  (407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis. http://tfl.nu/knfk
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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  (775): I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again. http://tfl.nu/wdl0
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

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  (563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing http://tfl.nu/bqtp
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.

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  (781): he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me. http://tfl.nu/iw9a
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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  (864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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  (802): But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was! http://tfl.nu/nt2c
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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  (803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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  (360): I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days http://tfl.nu/ngst
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  (310): View more from California

  i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.

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  (310): i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that. http://tfl.nu/vq6l
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  (253): View more from Washington

  oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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  (253): oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body. (1-253): I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate. http://tfl.nu/e4ca
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  (631): View more from New York

  I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

  (631): View more from New York

  Cruelly.

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  (631): I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away. (631): Cruelly. http://tfl.nu/5k20
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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  (270): she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah. http://tfl.nu/1uyt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"

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  (859): i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me" http://tfl.nu/l7cf
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  (516): View more from New York

  until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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  (516): until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life http://tfl.nu/jc1p
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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  (618): It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over. http://tfl.nu/n4d4
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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  (509): She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after http://tfl.nu/tns7
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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  (630): She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xep7
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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  (912): He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it. http://tfl.nu/csjq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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  (815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry

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  (252): U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry http://tfl.nu/sko0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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  (303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move. http://tfl.nu/t85w
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.

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  (503): I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz. http://tfl.nu/wgvl
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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  (608): imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord" http://tfl.nu/17lg
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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  (269): I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life. http://tfl.nu/x5qx
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

  (757): View more from Virginia

  your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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  (443): Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis (757): your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though. http://tfl.nu/xhh4
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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  (517): I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night... http://tfl.nu/z2d7
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  (619): View more from California

  my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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  (619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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  (678): He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again. http://tfl.nu/ehlu
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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  (904): I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers. http://tfl.nu/cp6l
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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  (339): I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. http://tfl.nu/m237
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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  (403): Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying. http://tfl.nu/rtdk
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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  (504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life http://tfl.nu/kko9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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  (248): The first sip always goes straight to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/w086
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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  (309): I'd suck anything for a pizza right now http://tfl.nu/grjz
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Really.

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  (918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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  (586): Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that. http://tfl.nu/5bcj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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  (703): apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies http://tfl.nu/vhuy
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off

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  (617): my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off http://tfl.nu/ogtq
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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  (507): there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut http://tfl.nu/7k06
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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  (917): I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads. (917): Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful. http://tfl.nu/kyyh
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (530): View more from California

  my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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  (530): my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad... http://tfl.nu/yh1f
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose

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  (780): So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose http://tfl.nu/01tr
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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  (206): My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury.. http://tfl.nu/rawt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??

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  (864): Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others?? http://tfl.nu/cnvm
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  (559): View more from California

  I queefed so loud it echoed.

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  (559): I queefed so loud it echoed. http://tfl.nu/ujmt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it

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  (937): Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it http://tfl.nu/4nim
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  tasteful.

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  (812): it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked (1-812): tasteful. http://tfl.nu/syjz
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  (585): View more from New York

  she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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  (585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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  (912): It's not kidnapping if it's romantic http://tfl.nu/j4mo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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  (708): I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you. http://tfl.nu/rvgi
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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  (302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4
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  (407): View more from Florida

  She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.

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  (407): She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it. http://tfl.nu/q87n
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so when am I gonna get some from you?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  when you dick grows 3 inches

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  (202): so when am I gonna get some from you? (617): when you dick grows 3 inches http://tfl.nu/rd2p
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  (631): View more from New York

  He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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  (631): He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now... http://tfl.nu/8b9i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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  (630): Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best. http://tfl.nu/ljti
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

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  (816): if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin. http://tfl.nu/cu5c
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  (518): View more from New York

  She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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  (518): She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change. http://tfl.nu/rlg4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Someone's got a whale tail

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  A thong is hangin out?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  No, a fatty following them

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  (314): Someone's got a whale tail (1-314): A thong is hangin out? (314): No, a fatty following them http://tfl.nu/cyed
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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  (508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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  (781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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  (480): She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like http://tfl.nu/mlp3
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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  (602): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself. http://tfl.nu/8ts9
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